Like We Used To.

The most beautiful noise to hear is worship.
The most beautiful thing to see is worship.
The most wonderful thing to do is worship.

See, I'm not used to worshipping with a mass of people. I'm, frankly, usually busy.
But tonight at our Christmas eve service I was able to worship. I sat with a friend and mentor as we held our candles aloft, and sang.

It was grand.

And, frankly, I feel the need to do it more often.

So, Merry Christmas. Keep the faith. Be jolly, merry, what have you.

Oh, and I've recently discovered and been unable to stop reading Allie Brosh.

Lily

So, at this time in my life, [you know being 17, a senior in high school and all that] I've begun thinking about college.

In all honesty, I want to go away from my home. I love my parents, I love my sister, my dogs, my drooling cat, and my house.
But, I know that if I stay here, it'll just be harder to leave later on. So, why not just jump now?

So my number one college has been Howard Payne University, in Brownwood Texas. [My dads old uni.] I applied and everything a few weeks ago.
My counselor, who is freaking great, told me to give them a call the other night to make sure that they received my transcripts and what-have-you on time.

So, I did. And, I was told that the admissions lady would give me a call back. So, I made a cup of hot chocolate and sat on my porch to wait for this lady to call me back. As I was opening my door up, she called.

I answered and she told me she received everything. And then the news came.
"Your SAT scores are great, but you're GPA is just a little under what we need."

Which, is true. They want an SAT score of 900, and a GPA of 2.5. Well, I was stupid my freshmen and sophomore years, so I have a GPA of a 2.3 and my SAT scores are in the 1500s.

Oh well.

So, now I've been looking at colleges away from school that I might be able to get into. [Yes, I'm kidding myself into thinking my GPA is acceptable at the university level.] UW, W&M, Duke for kicks.
And then Richard Bland College. It's the junior college of William and Mary. Basically, it's my best option.

Now, just to convince my parents that me being 2 hours away rather than 30 hours/30 minutes is okay.

Oh, college. Let's make this happen.

ARTIST: MINISTRY OF MAGIC

House

As Thanksgiving ends, the weather chills, people begin drinking more egg nog than should be legal, and Santa crosses the square in the middle of the Macey's Thanksgiving Day Parade, I begin to think about Christmas.

Now, at this stage in the holiday season, I begin trying to list who I'll be buying presents for, and what they'll be getting. For most people, it won't be material. For the people I care about the most, we'll, they'll end up dying in a short story.

See, I must back track first. One of the best writers of my life time, [though she is in fact a bit older than I am.] Laurel K. Hamilton once said that the highest compliment she can give to someone is to kill them off.

Basically, I think the same way. Sort of. It's either they die, or they're the killer.
The more gruesome the kills, the more respect I have for them. Or I just like them more.

So, I either begin a series of creepy stories, and hand them out, or I make homemade cards.

Which are dumb.

Stories it is.
Or a book.
Or maybe dinner and a movie on me. Take your pick.

What You're Looking For

"I like eyes." Something an ex of mine told me one time. As we continued to talk, she asked me what I 'Fell' for.
"Things? Talents? Stuff?"

I couldn't think of how to phrase it. I know now though. I fall in love more and more with people when they do more things.

Like, it goes like this: My best friend is an incredible writer, can play tuba like no ones business, is magnificent on a piano, and can make me laugh without ever trying.
Sean: He pwns n00bs like no one knows.
Ashley: Has a wonderful singing voice.
Brittney: Is in love with her life. Band Captain. All those kind of things.
Beth: She's jumped two feet first into helping out the A21 campaign since Catalyst when she heard Christine Caines testimony. [A campaign to end human trafficking in the 21st century.] We even had a mini-strategy meeting today over our Subway to figure out ways to get donations for the group.

They are all giant dorks, and I love them because they loves what they do.

I love to know that people are passionate. I never know how to say it.

But in my mind, passion fuels life.
What is there in life, if not a purpose?

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unwanted, unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey. What other choice do we have? Passion is the source of our finest moments; the joy of love, the clarity of hatred, and the ecstasy of grief. It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion, maybe we'd know some kind of peace. But we would be hollow. Empty rooms, shuttered and dank... without passion, we'd be truly dead." [Yes, I really do try to incorporate as much Buffy into as many posts as possible. And, I win.]


He who enjoys doing and enjoys what he has done is happy.
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe -

ARTIST: LIZZIE RUSSO

DAILYBOOTHIN.

The Clot.

I'm six days in. and a few thousand words behind. My little NaNo counter thingy says that I am going to finish on December 22nd if I keep up at the rate I'm going at. I can do this.

However, I have been doing my dishes more. And mowing. That seems to help. And, I'm rewatching Buffy season 7. [Personally, season six is my favorite. Jus' sayin'.]

And, I found a new tennis ball, so Kota loves me more.

See the reason for The Clot is when I write I have one rule: Let the characters take over. And I did. I let the story envelope me. And, in my mind the story changed from the thing I originally spent hours and hours painstakingly planning out.

So, now my plot has no ending.

This is one of those times where I have to let it envelope me to find a plot.
I'm gonna trust Joey for the moment. And, I might post an excerpt of aforementioned attempted novel tomorrow evening. Pending the time when I get home.

Off to write.

TOTAL WORD COUNT: 5836
ARTIST: DAVE DAYS

The NaNoWriMo Song

You know something is wrong with your life when you get annoyed when people don't understand that you really, really, really need those cardboard boxes on your bed strewn with sharpies for your novel.

And by that I mean I'm doing NaNoWriMo.

NaNoWriMo is National Novel Writing Month. Basically, people who enjoy writing try to write 1,667 words a day for 30 days. 50,000 words starting at 12:00 am on All Saints Day until November 30th.
This is my first year actually really attempting to do it.

So, a list of things that will happen.

1. I will be cleaner/my dishes will be done more.
Reason: If I shower for a long long time, or take a bath at night, then I think more.
No matter how long or when I do the dishes, I can write more.

2. Musical basis will expand.
Reason: When I'm formulating ideas, I play music. Hard rock. Andean beats. Jazz. Blues. Folk. Country. Christian. Rap. Anything.

3. My friends will hate me.
Reason: I will annoy them into telling me any and all music they enjoy because I always need new music while I'm writing. I will neglect them because as often as possible I will be at the library or Caribou Coffee. [It's my favorite coffee shop to write at. Just is.]

4. My dog will hate me.
Reason: I will not let her sleep in my room because I will have cardboard, markers, and papers strewn across my room until November 30th.

5. My dog will love me.
Reason: I'll be taking her out for long long walks, much ball and critter playing, and generally be more loving. Except at night.

6. YouTube.
Reason: Late at night, when I have that horrid thing that won't be mentioned but I will deem The Clot.
So, I will watch old YouTube videos. Over. And over. And over. And over...

7. Buffy.
Reason: The writing on this show was so spectacular, I will watch all the old episodes again. And take note and marvel in the spectacular beauty that is Joss Whedon, Marti Noxon and Jane Espenson.

And that is NaNo. I will now leave you with this to explain: NANOWRIMO!

ARTIST: ALL CAPS

Comes Love

“If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader.” John Quincy Adams.

Inspiration is anywhere and everywhere. Inspiration can come from the great victories of life, or the great tragedies. Being strong is finding something worthwhile and making pain into something beautiful. And that is exactly what a group of friends from
Courtland high School did when they lost friends to suicide three years ago. And as the phoenix from the ashes, The Spotsylvania Out Of The Darkness community walk rose up and became a walk of hope, closure, and for some rejoicing. Rejoice for the lives they lived. Closure for those that still struggle with these issues. And hope for life to continue.
This group of friends are a living testament to faith, support and being a light to bring those in the darkness out, and into the light. We salute you.

ARTIST: BILLIE HOLIDAY

On Your Side

I think that, since I know there are at least two people reading this, I need to start explaining things in greater detail. [And by reading, I mean stalking. And by stalking, I mean it's fine.]

Catalyst was, as Matt put it, "like drinking from a fire hydrant." So much was thrown at us from 8:30 a.m. [When it officially started,] until after 8 that night. [When it ended for the night.] And honestly, after a bad calzone and three different speakers talking of secrets and hiding them and on and such, I was drained. I wanted to go back to my hotel room that I shared with three roomies, and write. Just write. I needed to get my thoughts in place, and organized and just needed to think.

Well, then the aforementioned Matt pulled me aside on my way back to the hotel and told me the one thing that could chill me to the core within an instant of him saying it.

"I know about your blog."

I paused. Doing everything I could to not break down right then and there. To stop and pause and sob out my apologizes, to yell and rave and be the sarcastic butt munch that my mother and father know I am.

I couldn't. I was numb. Then he told me that Amanda knew. And we were to talk later that night. I didn't recognize a single thing as I waited for the elevator. I barely remember finding my wallet in my pocket, and getting my hotel key out. I remember making mine and Beth's bed and turning out the light. I remember laying down, not being able to pull together all the thoughts going through my head. I didn't fear their rejection. I'd dealt with that for a while, and while I know it would hurt, I'd be able to handle it.

But I knew I wouldn't be able to handle their hurt. To have them think I'd been maliciously, and that I'd lied to them out of any reason other than my own cowardice.

I went downstairs to talk to Drew, just because even if he doesn't know what's wrong, he inevitably makes me feel better. [This is nothing new. He's honestly been doing that for the past three years. I love him.] Me, him and LA talked about missions and maturity needed to do them and all sorts of things. Matt had since come down and Amanda had gone to our hotel room. He stayed and talked for a little bit, then looked at me and said, "I'm going to change, wanna help me out in about ten minutes?" Which, admittedly, made me and Drew crack up after he got in the elevator just because it sounded so weird.

I went to my room, and talked to Amanda. She did nothing but hug me at first, and then I said, "So, Matt told you."

Her response? "I've known for a while. I didn't know for sure, but he just cemented it." Which, funnily enough is the exact same thing that Katie Jones said.

Oh, life. But then I found out Noelle knew, and then Sadie and I just went from calm and composed to sobbing mess.

And, so that is my story. That is why Catalyst was not the best experience for me. I'm banned from Middle School youth until further notice, and I both understand and respect that decision. But if that's where the internship, [that I guess I'm still apart of even though I was told I needed to find out for sure about] is focused this semester. And, I've been doing MS for two years. I honestly love these kids.

Not in a creepy pedophile way. Because I'm not. But in a way that I love their hearts. So many of these kids are pure of heart, and will make better people than I can ever hope to be.

I guess that's all I can hope for.

1 Peter 1:7That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ:

ARTIST: A ROCKET TO THE MOON

Cherry Bomb

Finding out that everyone you care about and respect and look up to and all that jazz know that you're gay sucks. What sucks even more is finding out that they've all known for a little while. Even worse is that they've known because of the blog you haven't kept secret, nor have you censored.

Matt, Sadie, Amanda, and Noelle all know.

And I have no idea what the outcome of this will be. All I know is that Sadie is upset with me, and I couldn't look Noelle in the eye. It was bad enough when Katie found out the bad way, but now everyone else knows too?

Yeah, I cried a little.

I don't know how this will effect my future. My parents have been a tad bit less than helpful. They suspect that it's my fault that my mom got fired, and that I won't be allowed back at 180 period. Amongst other things, Catalyst hasn't been the best.

Tears In Heaven

Tyler Clementi and the other teens in the U.S. and Canada that have killed themselves in the last few days and weeks have caused grief, questions, and in my own life, debate. See, in my global issues class, we have a debate every other Friday. And I was told by my teacher that she was going to add on an additional debate this past Monday. Which was awesome and involved the seperation of church and state Prop. 8, gay marriage DADT, and many other religion versus gayness like topics.

While I was sitting in the library preparing for that debate, [which would happen the last class of the day. I was in the library the class before that.] I got a text from the lovely Katie Jones asking for coffee/smoothies this week. [We get smoothies together frequently.] Immediately, I texted my mom and she agreed to let that happen.

But in my conversation with Katie, I sensed something was wrong. Now, I'mma take a pause and get you lot thinking if you remembered that whole thing where Katie found my twitter, [and this blog.] back in August and I freaked out because she is Sadie's roomie. So, you know, direct association with my boss. And my gayness.

We met, and almost immediately my suspicions were realized to be true. She knew. [Knows?] And has for a while. So, we talked and she agreed that she would not be the one to out me. If it happened, it happened, but neither one of us would work towards it to happen any time soon. But, it made me come back to the ever-present question. Am I deceiving everyone I go to church with? Am I wrong to be a leader and a bible teacher when I'm "as much of a sinner" as I am? Well, we talked about that for a bit, then discussed life, and such as we always do.

Then me and my mother went shopping and it was annoying and she was all like, "I don't care if your gay. You're still a girl. Act like it." And believe me, I understand that I am a girl. But, that made me think too.

And then tonight. I was watching Glee. And the whole time Kurt struggled with the fact that he's gay and he doesn't believe in God. "Church seems to hate gay people. And women." Which, well, that's a double header for me.

And it made me think about my last three relationships. [Which is funny because the most recent of those freaking talked to me for the first time in a couple of months.] And while I thought about them I realized I had dated an atheist, a dysfunctional Jew, and an agnostic. [Those are only the girls. The guys are more ranged. 'Cause there are more of them.]

And, then there's me. The would be youth pastor who is too terrified to come out, for fear of losing my position or any of my potential jobs in the future.

Oh life as a gay.

So what's a Good Christian Girl to do in a Big Gay World?
ARTIST: ERIC CLAPTON

It Gets Better

It Gets Better.

It always does. There is an online project, by a guy named Dan Savage and his husband, to encourage young members of the LGBT community that, yeah, it does get better.

And it really does. I know I'm still a young blood, and I know I have a lot to learn about the world. But I do in fact know that it does, in fact, get better.

I've thought about it a lot. What it would be like to borrow a gun, take a few too many pills, or go bungee jumping of a 50 foot bridge with a hundred feet of rope.
But, I've also learned that the more GSA's in schools there are, the more gay youth can find a sense of community outside of computers. I mean, places like YouTube and AfterEllen are great, but sometimes it's good to have someone close by to go grab a vegan friendly burger with.

So, in my mind, It Gets Better is another activism idea. And a good one. Too many people today rely on the internet for community now. And now there are hundreds of people making these videos. From big celebs like Audrey O'Day and Ciara to just normal people with cameras.

This project is doing all kinds of things. And in life of the five high profile suicides from gay teens in the recent weeks, this is exactly what a generation that lives online needs.

VlogBrothers

Bam. Just, shut up and deal with it.

Outside World

I love Lauren Fairweather more and more, the more videos I watch of her.

She's got the best smile. She's smart. She can sing. She loves her best friend.
And I just saw her Coming Out Week Video for the HPAlliance.

And, I love her even more today. In fact, I'm currently listening to her song "Lucky" which I love.

I dunno what I was gonna say, but I think it was about the other fiveawesomegirls.

Who knows.

Into The Ocean

Okay. It's the first week of school.

Leave me alone. I'm taking seven classes, and all of them are academically based. So, I have six text books and yadda yadda. I've been busy.

But, what I want to talk about is my oddness of having children.

I don't particularly want to have children. But, being the gay lady that I am, I might end up with a lady that does want kids.

And, after this past Sunday, I don't think I could have the heart to say no.

See, this one couple brought their two little girls. Both under the age of three. Well, their youngest, Lily isn't walking yet, so it was a big game of pass the baby.

And all the girls wanted to hold the baby. I even held her for a little bit. And then she cried, and I held her at arms length, and with a mad look in my eye declared loudly and to all of the maternal types in our circle of Apples to Apples players that, "I broke it. Fix it. I broke it. Help me guys. Take the tear machine."

At which point Sadie, who was closest came over and held the baby.

And what I saw was beautiful. Not just because Sadie is beautiful, but the interaction between Sadie and Lily. They both lit up. Lily snuggled into Sadies' collar bone, and Sadie kissed her head.

I don't think I could ever deny a woman the right, privilege and blessing to do that.

It truly is the most amazing thing.

And in other updates, I now own a Gryffindor scarf thanks to the wonderful Sean. <3
And, I have homework in every class and like three different tests coming up withing the next week.

I've been in school since Tuesday. Welcome to your senior year. [For any internationals reading this, it just means I'll be going to Uni next year.]

Tuesday's Gone

But you are a chosen people,

a royal priesthood,


a holy nation,
a people belonging to God,
that you may declare the praises
of him who called you out of darknessinto his wonderful light.

All You Wanted

Sometimes, I get nostalgic.

It could be the depression. It could be the movies I watch, the music I listen to, or just being alone.

It could be all four together.

When I think of certain things, I just get sad.

Like the idea of a mosque near Ground Zero. Excuse me, An Islamic Cultural Center.

Or, the song "Hallelujah" originally by Leonard Cohen. [Personally, I think kd. Lang was made to sing that song. Seriously. It's beautiful.]

Or, the fact that my little sister is now 14. [Her birthday was yesterday. Tell her you love her.]

Or the fact that I'll graduate this year, start college by next August, and may even have a real people job.

I get nostalgic at the idea of Xander's speech to Dawn in "Potential" [Episode twelve of season seven. Start at 7:35.]

See, I love Xander. He's not my favourite character. [It's Tara. And Willow. And Spike. And Anya. Four way tie.] But, I do love him. He's the heart of the Scoobies. He has no "special power." His best friends are the Slayer, and the most powerful witch in the world respectively. He baby sat the Key to destroy the world. He had to compete with two different vampires and a man who was one of the top ranked soldiers in his unit for Buffy's heart. Willow dated a werewolf for two and a half years. He even dated a very powerful vengeance demon.

He always fell into the shadows, yet he was always the heart of the team. He was always the first to go with Buffy. He held the team together.

Xander Harris, from those in the shadows, we salute you.

ARTIST: MICHELLE BRANCH

In Colour

Okay, I'm sorry. I've been really busy, with cleaning and sleeping and rewatching the first season of Buffy.

My great Aunt is coming into town tomorrow, so we're cleaning everything up, down and side ways. She comes in at like three.

So, no I will not Blog tonight. You can not make me.

Shut up. I know.

ARTIST: HEYHIHELLO!

Hero

I feel as though after all that posting about my sisters, I should write a thing about my brother.

He's in the ArmyI never lived with him. He always lived with my grand parents.

We're more alike than we ever want to admit.




He's gonna marry a great girl, that I like a lot.

And I'm more proud of him than I'll ever be.

The day he graduated, his platoon went through a procedure known as The Donning of The Berets. Basically they all put on their berets. I am not much of a crier, but as soon as my brother put his own, I started to tear up. I was the first to find him after they were dismissed, and I was the first to hug him. I cried on his shoulder, I was so proud of him. And, I'll never be able to tell him.

ARTIST: SKILLET

Love The Way You Lie

My younger sister has Autism. She'll never go to college. Be a doctor. Fly an airplane. Drive a car. Remember my birthday, or tell me what she wants for dinner. She can never live alone, is kept on a semi-strick diet and kept away from certain soaps, chemicals and environments. I could say my life has been ruined by her. I can't take the class I have to take to be eligible for a drivers' license. I've only had a handful of friends ever stay the night at my house because of her, and even then we had to sleep in Kaci's room. [Me and Mak shared a room from the time I was four until this past October.]
And for a long time I thought that once I got out of college and gotten a job and moved out, then Makenzi wouldn't be the reason for the decisions I make.

I was wrong.

Now, let me rewind a bit to the fact that me and my mother watch House absolutely every time it's on. In this particular one that we watched the other afternoon, Foreman named Cameron his medical proxy. Me, dad and mom started to talk about being a proxy and yada yada. I asked for clarification on what being a medical proxy is. My dad jokingly said, "What you'll be in a few years, if anything happens to your momma." So, I'd make the medical decisions for my father.
[My dad has intestinal problems. Yeah...]

They explained that they're mine and Maks medical proxy until I turn eighteen next year, and then they're just Makenzi's. And then when Mak turns eighteen, they have to make certain they take the legal measures that they are still able to take care of her medically even after she's a legal adult.
And this then spurned a full on conversation about what'll happen upon my parents demise.
They'd already decided that next August-September time, they'll do the paperwork that will make me Makenzis automatic medical proxy if anything happens to them.
At sixteen, I'm being handed the possible responsibility of a teenage girl.

"Kori, will you become your sisters legal guardian if anything happens to your father and me?"

What is a sixteen year old, still dependent on her parents supposed to say to that?! "No, I want my own life, not ruled by decisions with my little sister in mind?" If I told my mom that I don't know that I could take care of her and it would be best for her physical health for her to go into a home, she may never speak to me again.

But my sister can't tell you her middle name, how would she ever be able to say if anyone was taking advantage of her? I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I knew I was putting her into a situation where it would be very easy for something to happen to her.

This is my baby. My Wonder Kid. The constant pain in my rear.

But it grates on my nerves when I told my mom I'd like to find a church near the beach to pastor. I might get an apartment on the beach, and have a short commute to work in a few years, and her first reactions is, "Oh, your sister hates sand. That wouldn't work."

Thank you ma. Gosh, when they sign those papers next August, I'm legally tying myself to a kid in the future.

It was supposed to go, Drew, Kaci, and then me. But I've shared a room with her for twelve years. I still live with her. Drew is in the Army and has never lived with her for longer than a month, and has never been with her alone for more than a few hours. My parents don't trust Kacis judgment enough. She's a party girl, and likes her liquor.

I told my mom and dad, neither of them are allowed to die until I'm twenty-seven. Maybe then I'll actually be able to take care of her.

ARTIST: EMINEM FEATURING RHIANNA

Good Riddance

I miss my sister.
When I get sad, and only want to curl into my bed, hugging a picture of her and me and cry, I don't. When I miss how messy her room always was and the make-up and hair gook that flowed endlessly from it, and the loud angsty music that she listened to, I put on some jazz, think about how I want Chivas, and that day in Peru.

Whenever I get really sad, and start to miss her, I think about this one day when I was in Peru. It was right after she'd graduated, and was working as a lifeguard at an amusement park an hour south.
I'd called my mom to check in with her, and it turns out that she was with my sisters at the Target down the road from my house. I ended up talking to Kaci for a good few minutes. I made her a little bit jealous by counting the mountain peaks I could see from the storefront I was standing at. [There were about fifteen. Give or take.] I told her how I'd cuddled with my pixie-esque cheerleader friend.

And she told me a story. She'd been guarding at the lazy rive, and a woman got hurt. She was older, and had a spinal injury or something along the lines. My sister held herself responsible for the woman. She started to choke up on the phone. She told me how she missed me, and she needed me that night.
"I needed my best friend." Was what she said.

There are days, like the day I found out Macey was dating a guy, like the day Des died, like when Katie Jones began following me on Twitter, like when I got home from Peru and Fuge, that I needed to talk to her. I still get like it. When I wanna hug my big sister, and cry into her shoulder, and sob for hours, and not have to worry about looking like an idiot.

I love my mom, but she isn't always comforting. Like when I found out about Macey dating that one guy, I cried to my mom about it. Her words of comfort? "Oh, come on. You honestly didn't think this wouldn't happen, right?"
And my dad didn't say anything, which is how I prefer things. [There are few times when me and my dad have deep kinda conversations. Late at night or in the car alone. (AKA, sans my mother.)]
Kaci would've talked about the guys that had left her hanging. That ended up dating her best friends, or had lied about this and that.

I love my parents, but they aren't Kaci.

My sister will be twenty in November. I'll be seventeen on Wednesday. She left home the first night of my dream job and hasn't spoken to me since. She's been gone three hundred and nine teen days.

If she reads this, and I kinda want her to, I want her to know two things. 1.] I'm still mad at you, but, 2.] I still love you and want you home.

ARTIST: GREEN DAY

World Spins Madly On

Okay, Elizabeth. Shut up, I've been without a computer for many moons.
And, yes, those kids are much wiser than you.

Who has seen House? Raise of hands?
Okay. Well, I like this show because I can relate to House. His father is a Unitarian reverend. By vocation, my dad is a Baptist preacher. He's had surgery a bunch of times, and needs a cane.

I'll need a cane in the next few years. Elizabeth finds this amusing, and has decided to get me a cane for my birthday, which is next Wednesday, the 18th.

I can empathize with him. He's bitter, because he's disabled. There are days where I can barely walk, my knee hurts so bad. I've been to numerous doctors, and they tell me to take Tylenol when it hurts, and to sit when it hurts. There's nothing they can do.

I'm destined to limp worse than my 80 year old grandmother. And for it to get progressively worse and worse.

When I was in eighth grade, about 13 years old, I played Field Hockey. I tried out for Basketball, didn't make the team, so I trained and trained. I ran a lot, up and down hills, biked for hours. I trained more than I ever had before, so that I could run track and do field in the Spring. I did. But, sometime in between all that, I blew my knee. My left one, to be exact.

There are weeks when I can barely get out of bed, because my knee hurts so bad.

I'll have a cane by twenty, that I'll have to use every day.

Who knows, I may end up in a wheelchair by the time I'm my dads age.

ARTIST: THE WEEPIES

Before and After

So if you were to run into me on the street, and were to strike up a conversation about almost anything, within a short period I will probably bring up Peru.

For any non-Christians out there, and I know there are many of you, you may not understand the exact want behind missions.

Missions is meeting new people. Like a lovely gal from England who was also staying at Elim that somehow mistook me and Sadie to be room mates. This is funny because I'm still in high school, and Sadie rooms with Katie Jones.
Missions is spreading the gospel. The gospel, The Good News, the Love of Christ. That is missions.

Missions is about the people you are going to help. Whether it be to help build a house, to pray for people with aliments, to do anything you're asked to do. That is missions.

See, every year we go and stay at this place called Elim. Elim means, Oasis in Hebrew.
Elim is an orphanage. With the most beautiful children in the world. They love so much. They've been through hell and back, and they have an unshakable faith. It's the most amazing thing.

Last year when I went, I was newer in faith than I am now. I've matured a lot since then, but I went into the idea of Peru thinking that we'll be praying with people constantly. We'll be working constantly. We'll be doing good things at all times.

And this year, I knew how it would be a lot more. And it was really a lot of playing. A lot of cards, and waiting and being inactive and complaining.

I didn't like what I saw this year. And I know why I didn't like it. See, you could tell who was there for missions, and who was there for an awesome vacation.
I know when people as me about this year, there is a dramatic differences in what I'll tell them from last year. Last year, we were there more for people emotionally. This year, it was more physical.

Last year, on the first night, after we'd trudged up all five flights of stairs. After we'd had dinner, and were exhausted, but to excited to sleep, and were just hanging out in the common area, I walked into the room I shared with six other girls. I saw my friend Amanda at the open window.

Now, while Amanda is twenty-six, she looks 19. She acts her age, but looks a lot younger. And she's honestly one of my biggest mentors. I look up to her more than nearly anyone else. I can go to her for anything. She can laugh at my stupidity, we can talk hours of politics, drugs, religion, abortion and everything, and she'll never think less of me for my opinions. She loves her some Taco Bell and is always up for a midnight run with a bunch of teenagers when she's in town. I love her sincerely, and I don't think she knows how much.

I walked over, and saw how breath taking it truly was. It was dark, but there were lights every where. Lights sloping up the mountain, and people with dogs, kids playing in the street, and dogs barking and peeing in the streets. I fell in love with the city at that moment. And Amanda was leaning out the window looking at everything, and I heard before I saw that she had tears in her eyes. Amanda is funny, and joking, and you have to catch her in the right mood to be serious.
So, I asked her what was wrong.

"I have so much. My mom loves me, my friends, my church, my God. These people have nothing. And there faith is so much stronger. They love so much more." She said this, and started to cry. I smiled, my heart elated for some reason.
There were many of those types of instances when I just realized over and over again how much I loved and cared for everyone on my team.

This year, not so much. This year, I realized how much they annoyed me.

We went from nearly fourty going last year, to 17 this past year. Only eight youths. Three boys, five girls. And we were almost always split, four and three and one.

I was the one.
I tried to stand back and watch as much as I could, and just watch my fellows. I'll admit, that often I joined into the antics around me.

But what annoyed me was that the youth around me was selfish. When they could, they were where they were comfortable.

Now is the time when I'd like to insert the lyrics to the song "Hosanna" which is one of my favorites.

I see a generation
Rising up to take their place
With selfless faith
With selfless faith

I see a near revival
Stirring as we pray and seek
We're on our knees
We're on our knees

This is my prayer. Not to be a part of the cliche. Not to go on missions looking for fun. My prayer is that the generation coming up behind mine, that they would do a better job representing Christ in the purest of forms to the world than my generation has done.

ARTIST: NINA JANKOWICZ

One Evening

I've lived in three states in my life.

Virginia.
Texas.
Florida. I haven't been back to Florida since I left in the May of 2006. [Though, I would like to.]
And, while I currently reside in Virginia, I'm currently visiting Texas. And it makes me think.

Which means I'm making a list. Of the things I love about Texas.

1.] Whataburger
2.] Nannies house.
3.] Pawpaws house.
4.] Granny and grandpa.
5.] Sweet Tea.
6.] Beer.
7.] The fact that I do not actually sound funny compared to the people I'm talking to.

1.] Whataburger: The only real way that I can explain to anyone who has never had Whataburger is that it's like Texas sized Burger King. Only, the fries are better, and they always seems to put mustard on your burger, if you want it or not. [I hate mustard.]

2.] Nannies house: The only house I can remember my nanny and pop, [My moms mom and step-dad.] living in, is the one I'm at right now, drinking a coke, and watching CSI while they talk about the broken t.v. and my great aunt who's in the hospital. I've moved a lot in my life. Ten schools, in all. And, so not many houses are constants in my memory. This one and

3.] Pawpaws house: My pawpaw and gemaw, [My moms dad and step-mom] have lived in their house as long as I can remember. It's nice. Big open backyard, that I remember chasing my brother and sister and all the dogs around for hours until we nearly died of heat stroke and then begged my mom for a popsicle.

Sidenote: My moms car tire got messed up. My nanny texted me to ask if it had been fixed. I said, "No. We're still on the donut." She said back, "Glazed or chocolate." Oh, life.


4.] Granny and grandpa: My great grandmother is a hoot and a holler. She's funny and ditzy and old and cute. I love her to death, and the other day when I was at her house for lunch, I spent two hours teaching her how to do different things on her computer. It was funny, and I love her. Meanwhile, my grandpa was making fun of her, and making me giggle. I love them both a lot.


5.] Sweet tea: Many places up north do not make good sweet tea. There is not a single place down here that doesn't make good sweet tea.

6.] Beer: My pawpaw and all my great uncles don't hesitate to give me alcohol. While I've promised I wouldn't drink anymore, it's hard not to with my family. It flows, and with my family, you need it.

7.] The fact that I do not actually sound funny compared to the people I'm talking to: 'Nuff said.

And, fyi, Elizabeth. Posting a blank post means nothing towards the ultimate count. So, you only have 15.

Suck it.

ARTIST: FEIST

Goodnight Moon

So, I informed you all of my worry about a one Miss Katie outing me.

Well, she hasn't said or done anything that makes me think that I'm done for.

But, I am currently sitting on my brothers bed in Conroe, with his basset hound at my feet, barking because she wants to leave. She can't. My grandma is meeting with a man about some property my great grand father left to her and her siblings when he died last May.

So, I'm blogging. I was gonna do BEDA, but, then I was in a car, and driving, and without internets, and exhausted. So, I decided, maybe in April?
[BEDA= Blog Ever Day August.]

I'm going to have a much more sentimental post later on in the week.

But, at the moment, I need a freaking nap.

ARTIST: HEYHIHELLO!

You Don't Know Me.

So, blogosphere.

I feel the need to tell you of a few things.
A.] I love Covert Affairs and Rizzoli and Isles and Pretty Little Liars. [Elizabeth, if you click the second link, you die.]
B.] I'm obsessed with Heather Hogans recaps about BooRadleyVanCullen, JennaBot and the PLLs. It's contagious. So, click the PLL link.
C.] I have the weirdest dreams.
I had a dream last night that I was in like Hong Kong, and I was with a girl and we were staying somewhere, and there was one bed, and we had a fight about food, and then slept together. Minus the sexy.

Ohkay. So, just so ya'll know. I'm not sleeping tonight. I'm pretty worried that the intern coordinators room mate, [and my good friend Katie] is now following me on Twitter.

For any of you that follow me on Twitter, you could probably figure out that this is not a good thing. I'm pretty, well as my father put it, "Colorful. All the colors of the rainbow colorful." when I post things on Twitter.

I could've just been outed.

So sad.

I Knew I Loved You

So, Elizabeth has no reason to not be blogging. She's home and being lazy.

I just uploaded a video to Youtube.

I ranted about Buffy.

And, I wanted it to be much longer, but my camera is suddenly incompatible with my computer. Which is strange. And, so, I did it off the webcam. And there was this bugging sound, and so I couldn't stand it, so I cut it short.

It annoyed me.

I'm so tired.

It's currently 12:25 a.m. on Monday, July 26th.

And, I just finished a game called Qilox.

It's addicting. Google it.

And I met the guy in the white shirt in this video.
His name is Taylor, and he's pretty cool. So, I've watched it a bunch of times.

Bed time? Maybe.

ARTIST: SAVAGE GARDEN

Nerd.

So I know I said in the beginning that Elizabeth would rarely update her blog.

And I know I've been right so far.

But, I actually have to defend her laziness.

The reason she hasn't updated this weekend like she promised me she would is because she is in Pennsylvania, and without a computer. She has her iPod, so I was texting her. But she can't blog from it.

So her excuse is that.

[But, because I brag a lot, when I'm done with this, I'll be at 18. She'll still be sitting pretty at 11.]

Now, to my life. Well, last night, I stayed up talk to Macey until around three a.m. Then, I couldn't sleep because I had to pee, but I didn't want to wake up my little sister, so I stayed up nearly pissing myself until nearly four. And then I woke up at like six thirty or something to talk to my mom. Then I passed out again. Forgetting to pee. So, I woke up at like seven fifteen, just to pee.

And man. That was the best pee I'd had in a while.

I then passed back out until nearly ten. Then I had to get up and clean my room, and pick up the house a little, and then go to Wal-Mart with my family at like noon. We picked up Subway, and got home at like one thirty. And, my mom had to go pick up Sam and Luke at like, four or something. Because they were gonna have dinner with us and then stay the night so they can go to our church in the morning. So, I had to sautee foods for my moms spaghetti. And then she left, and I had to go finish cleaning my room. At around three thirty, four o'clock. I fell asleep. And woke up at close to five thirty.

I took an hour long nap.
It was awesome.

And then, the boys came!

Now, I'm going to explain who "The Boys" are. The Boys are my moms friends youngest sons. My mom has a friend named Shari. She has six kids. Four grown, two moved away, the other four still living at home. The youngest two, Luke and Sam, are my age. Luke is thirteen days older than me. Sam is like eighteen months younger than me. So he's the baby.

And I love these boys. Luke and I have the same sense of humor, mood swings, love for a deep bass. Sam is adorable and sweet, and I think he's gay.
I love them both.

After dinner, we had make-shift strawberry shortcakes. Angelfood cake things from Wal-mart, sugared strawberries and whipped cream. Once the adults and my little sister had left the table, me and The Boys got into a mini whipped cream fight.

Then we watched the pilot of Covert Affairs. [I love Piper Perabo. I love Christopher Gorham. I love chicks with guns and suits. Yeah. Two thumbs up for this show.] Now, I'd already seen the show, but The Boys hadn't. So, I watched it with thme to clear up a few things. And because, c'mon.

Then, we had to do the dishes. Which was fine with us. We plugged in Lukes iPod and rocked out. We agreed that the lead singer of Night Wish is really, really hot, and continued rocking out. That rocking out caused an argument between me and Luke. He thought that my favorite Three Days Grace song was called "First To Know" when really, it's "Last To Know".

He lost a dollar. I gained a dollar.

So, then we decided we were going to watch this awesome movie called The Strangers. I watched it last May when my great grandfather died, and I was in Texas for the funeral with my brother. He convinced me to watch it, and I loved it. But, it's a total mind-frak. Like, horror makes you stay up all night kinda movie.

Well, The Boys hate scary movies, so about a half hour in, they got freaked out and we switched it to Zombieland. Which was awesome as always.

And then The Boys went down to my room to pass out, and I'm sleeping on the couch in our game room.

Except that was two hours ago and I can't sleep. So, I'm blogging about my day, and listening to Buffy musicals. Oh yeah. I roll hella tight.

Oh! So, in like, ten hours I get to lead Kids' Quest. Our childrens ministry. Our Childrens Minister, James, is going out of town with his wife and the youth pastor and his wife for the weekend.

So, I'm in charge tomorrow. We're watching the Prince of Egypt. Heck yes.

I'm excited.

Okay, so I'm going to go Youtube a movie or something.

Night all.

ARTIST: TRAVIS.

Somebody To Love

So, I feel bad for saying that Fuge was awesome.

That's like saying that VidCon was awesome.

It just doesn't say half of what happened.

On one of those forays into flirtation with that one missionary, [Who was Chelsea, just fyi.] we spent an hour in LifeWay hanging out when we were both supposed to be eating and recouping. We discussed books, life, bible studies, youth ministry, the fact that both our mothers hate who we can be at times. We shared life for a bit.

On another time, when we were supposed to be sleeping, or getting ready for bed, we actually stood outside discussing the nature of God, mountains, Chinese water torture, a certain love/hate relationship of airports, the snow storm that put her in Dulles for a few days or something like that right after a ten day missions trip to the Roma people. [She was working this event, and supposed to be on time. We were both half an hour late for lights out, and nearly an hour late for in rooms. Jus' sayin'.

The reason I loved this trip so much, is because I saw these kids rise up as leaders. They came in to their own on this trip.

Many of them came and approached me about topics close to their hearts. A few talked of being baptized.

I stayed up until one o'clock one night to discuss the book of Revelation, and how everyone knew what it was that Jonah prayed inside the whale. [One particular 7th grader forgot that Jonah also was vomited out of the whale, and that he actually wrote the book of Jonah.]

I was sleep deprived the entire time. I was emotionally, and physically drained. [We were on a mountain. So my knee hurt a lot. (Have I told ya'll about my knee? Hmmm.)] But, I was by far the most spiritually filled I'd ever been.

I've told you guys that I'm going to be a youth minister.

But, ya'll. This whole experience made me really, really accept it.

I bought a thirty dollar bible study on missions work that I plan on doing with these kids.
I prayed with them. Bought them food. Encouraged them. Hassled them.

Jeremiah 20: 9
But if I say, "I will not mention him
or speak any more in his name,"
his word is in my heart like a fire,
a fire shut up in my bones.

I am weary of holding it in;

indeed, I cannot.

ARTIST: QUEEN

On The Radio.

Hi, hi.

I know, I know.

I keep leaving. But, if it helps, I'm not leaving anytime soon. I'm just getting really busy with life and stuff like that.


But, as soon as I got home from camp, my power was out.

So my internet was down for three days.

So, after catching up on AfterEllen, and watching Pretty Little Liars, I figured I should blog.

Peru was two weeks of awesome.

Yeah, I minded that a lot. [Except not.]

Fuge was an experience were I witnessed eight middle school aged kids come to know the love of Christ.

And I came to know the love of Chelsea.

Or at least be slightly fascinated with her.
She taught my Spiritual Disciplines class while we were there. It was interesting. And, she's funny. And bright. And reminds me of this kid.

Just saying.

I don't know what to tell you.

I did the trust fall. I talked with a missionary who is around six years older than me multiple times.

I marveled at the fact that six 12 years old girls managed to get Oreo's stuck to our ceiling without the help of a chair.

I slept on a floor for a week because I had all the sixth grade girls in one room. [6 of them. five beds. Two of them cuddled. I was on the floor.]

I became better friends with my youth pastor, and myself.

I read an ahmazing book that I'm about to re-read. Highly recommended.

And, since it's nearly one a.m. I think it's sheet hitting time.

I'm gonna try and let my dog sleep with me tonight. The last time I did this, she chewed through my t.v. chord. My DVD chord, and my phone charger. So, I'mma try this.

Much love.

ARTIST: REGINA SPEKTOR

Lucky.

Okay, Okay. I know, I know.

It's been nearly three weeks since I last posted.

I've been in Peru. Okay?

Well, I don't have the time to tell you guys all the awesome things that have been going on.

I'm going to watch Sister Act with my mom.

Good bye.

DAYS UNTIL I LEAVE FOR CENTREFUGE: 6
BAND: LAUREN FAIRWEATHER.

I'll Be Your Dashing Knight

So, as it has been well over a week since I posted, I've begun to feel guilty.

But not really. Mainly, because every now and then I sprout into unobstructed depression. Full and complete self loathing.

Every time I see that Macey has a heart on the end of her status, I know it's not me that's putting it there. It's Seth. Not me.

But, I really can't harp on that, and I'm trying not to. I've been focusing on Peru. [Three days.] And annoying my mother with Wrock song lyrics, and Buffy fun facts.

Like, today she said something about something, and I went onto a twenty three minute tirade because of something that Warren, [aka Adam Busch] said.

And I've been texting Elizabeth all about Dawn and how annoying she can be. How she gets older physically, but the Scoobies all treat her like a lame face. [SPOILERS: Even though, I know, I know, she was technically only alive for like six months. So, at season 7, she may be three or something.]

I love going back and watching the old Buffy. You get nuggets like this: "You're a vampire. Oh, I'm sorry. Was that an offensive term? Should I say 'undead American'?"

Hahaha. I love it. Buffy is some kinda gal.

And ya'll get to feel the awesomeness that is my insomniatic ramblings.

Get used to them. They happen a lot. I'm off to Wiki Peruvian fun facts.

DAYS UNTIL PERU: 3
BAND: ALLCAPS

Change Your Mind

Hello blogosphere.

I do not feel like recapping my entire weekend.

So I'm not going to.

I just felt like I'd been neglecting you guys. So, hi.

I found out I have to take three of my exams, opposed to that one I thought it was. Slightly depressing, but not terrible.

And, I sorta made up with Macey. We're speaking. I haven't forgiven her, or anything like that.

But, we're talking. Which is all I wanted.

And, yeah. I'm still in love with her and she's still dating that one dude. Which blows. But, eh. I'm slowly getting used to it.

DAYS UNTIL I LEAVE FOR PERU: 12
MUSICIAN: BOYCE AVENUE

Say So

This blog will be coming to you in two parts.

I feel like there isn't enough going on in my life to talk about my day to day going abouts every day. So, a quick run down of my weekend, and then I'm going to inform you of some people I apperciate, and I can't really tell them.

My weekend. Today, I am not going to be with Zack, Deanna or Analisa. No Buffy, nor Batman. My mom wants me to help her with some over-do laundry. But, I still have the lock-in to go to at 10. But, I'm picking up Elizabeth and her younger brother at like nine-ish. And then we'll be going to the lock-in together. Because that's how we roll.

And then, after a night of zero sleep, I have to go home and baby sit for a few hours, until my first graduation party for my friend Kayla at 11. Me and a buddy, Travis, will be heading from there to another graduation party at around 2 or 3-ish. And then that party will last until 5 o'clock or so.

After that, I'm heading over to Elizabeths to stay the night. At which, me, her, her brother, and her father will watch Batman for multiple hours. [Which I'm excited for. They have a large television.] And we won't go to sleep, but instead, we will stay up all night, and then go to church.

And from church, at 9 in the morning, I won't leave until around nine that night. Because we have a team meeting for those of us going to Peru at 12:30, that ends at like 2:30. And then I have drama practice at 4 o'clock. That's until 6. And then 180, [My youth grou] starts at 7 and we won't leave until around 9 that night. I then have an SOL the next day. The end.

So, that's my weekend.

Now, the people I apperciate but can't tell.

• Elizabeth's family.
• Elizabeth.
• Jessica.
• Zack.
• Sean.
• Ashley.
• Country music.
• Bethany.
• And many, many more.

Now, Elizabeths family.

Why I appreciate them: Because, I can talk to her dad, Steve, about the most radical things in the world, and he always gives me a very level headed response. And, me and him gang up on Elizabeth and Miss Pam which makes me laugh a lot. So, he makes me laugh. Miss Pam, because, well, she's a ditz. She's sweet as anything and like a mother to me. But she has those moments where I just want to shake my head at her. But, I can also talk to her about most anything. And Josh. Her little brother, is like a little brother to me. He's such a sweetie.

The reason I can't tell them: While they all know I'm gay, they rather like to pretend I'm not. Well, Josh, not so much. But her parents. [I think it's because they think I half want to rape Elizabeth. (She's not my type.)]

Elizabeth: I tell her I love her all the time. I don't have to tell you people.

Jessica: Because, I can talk to her until 11 o'clock about all my love problems, even though she doesn't exactly get the whole, "gay" thing. But, she's open minded and accepting. And I love her.

Zack: Because this kid makes me smile more than anything.

Sean and Ashley: They kinda get grouped together a lot in my mind. Because, rarely am I with one and not the other. They are two seperate poeple, and minds and personalities. But, the three of us are like the Three Muskateers. We just mesh well together. And, Sean is great becuase he tweets me to tell me that he thinks that Maceys new boyfriend is void of emotion. And Ashley, because she tells me that it's weird to see Macey with him and not me. So, while they may be stroking my ego a bit, it's still nice to hear.

Country music: I've heard before, that if your life is like a country song, then it's either the best it'll ever be, or it's below rock bottom. And, let's go with, I've been listening to a lot of country songs lately.

Bethany: For texting me in class about the lock-in tonight that proceeded to me being the perfect husband, to her brother being a wimp and her pinching. I'm not gonna elaborate.

DAYS UNTIL I GO TO PERU: 16

SONG BY: UH HUH HER

Lumos Flies

So, after that last post, I walked out of class and saw that Macey was waiting for me at the end of the hall. I said nothing. I couldn't. I was stunned, and that little anger in the back of my head that I suppress when I'm not around her flared up.

I said nothing. I just walked to the stairs. So did she. We sorta walked together. But not really. Instead of walking beside her, like normal, I walked behind her. And, instead of hanging out with her and my friend Brittany before I go to Sociology, I walked around and told Brittany I'd see her tomorrow.

And today, I spoke not to her during Psychology. Probably the hardest things I've done in a long time.

I'm not kidding.

I know, I know. I'm only sixteen. That almost nothing about who I am will be the same in ten years, or even five.

But I honestly can't picture my life without this girl.

I have no idea how I"m still doing this.

I really, really just wanna go and get sopping drunk tonight.

How You Love Me Now

So, avoiding someone that you desperately want to talk to is really, really hard.

I wanna talk to Macey. [That one girl.]

So, last year while I was in Peru, I kept a journal where I wrote to Macey every day, [just about] and talked to her. Through paper. I kept it in a notebook that I gave her when I got back.

I planned on doing the same thing this year, in hte same notebook.

Well, now that we aren't talking I dunno if I'm still going to give her the book. I may just copy them all into here and let you guys read it.

But, I asked her last night to bring the notebook to school, and after an awkward ten text message long conversation, I got it back. And, then she like, tried to hug me, I think? Her and Sean tried to group hug me, but I sorta ducked under his arm and walked to my French class.

I feel like a total dick.

Should I avoid her? Should I let things go as normal?

Stop trying to get over her?

On a completely other note, I think my mom wishes I weren't who I am.

She seems to hate everything I do. The way I dress. My oversion to make up, high heels and dresses.

I think she even hates that I'm gay.

It makes me really sad. I don't try to piss her off. I just am me. I can't help that I am who I am.

I have my preferences just like her. She hates wearing blue jeans. I hate wearing dresses.

I dunno. I just really think she prefers my older and younger sisters. [Because according to my mom, I'm actually a boy.]

It just makes me really nervous. To know that I'm constantly disappointing her.

Every time I turn around, she's disgusted with every thing I do.

It's flat out annoying, too.

DAYS UNTIL I LEAVE FOR PERU: 19
SONG BY: HEY MONDAY

Hear Me Now

I would like to inform you lot of my week.

Saturday, I was with my good good friend Jessie all day for her graduation party. [And other friends that I love dearly, also.]

Sunday, I missed church, and had to clean all day. But, on the bright side, the carpet in my room is actually beige instead of blackened with doggy fur.

Monday, I went to the mall with my parents and ran into eleven different people that I know. [I also ditched my parents for about an hour to sit at Wendys and steal my friend Malories french fries. Good times.] And then that night, I found out that one girl I've been in love with for nearly two years is dating someone who is not me. I then stayed up on the phone with the aforementioned Jessie and Elizabeth crying until midnight.

Tuesday, today, I had my history SOL where me and my friend Sean raced each other without even realizing it to finish first. At which point he beat me by honest to God two seconds. I was mad. And then I had to go and sit next to "that one girl" for an hour and a half. And then later on got to see her walk past me like I don't exist whilst cuddled up with her new boy toy. That was fun.

Wednesday, tomorrow, I have work. Which will be awesome, as always. Oh, and a party in my Biology class, where my mom is bringing in Chick fil a. [Siked up.]

Thursday, if Elizabeth gets her license, she will be kidnapping me and we'll go somewhere?

Friday, I may be going to my friend Deannas house with my friends Zack and Analisa. [Deanna is a red head. I need to tell you this.] Just so we can watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer and possibly Batman movies. And then I have a lock in at 10 o'clock that night.

Saturday, I may be spending the night with Elizabeth. Which will be excellent. But, only after I have three grad parties to go to.

That's my week. Yay?

Hero/Heroine.

I went to a friends graduation party today. I spent all day with her, her family and a few of her friends that I didn't know.

It was a good day.

I'm tired now.

Kayla's mum is cool.

Summer of '09

Somehow, I was able to make a philosophical connection to a Lady Gaga song.

I feel ashamed.

And, yes. That means I adore Glee.

Brittany, Burt and Quinn are probably my favourite characters.

Brittany for her one liners.

Burt for his willingness to understand and stick up for his son.

Quinn for ability to change.

And, yes. As much as I dislike Lady Gaga, I really enjoyed this episode.

But I think that Rachel and Shelby just were kinda like, "Eh. You're my mom, I'm your daughter. Let's just never talk again." I think that was lame.

Anyway, I'm still alive.

DAYS UNTIL I LEAVE FOR PERU: 24

In The Sun

Can you remember when you realized, when you had that epiphany, when you knew what you were going to do for the rest of your life?

I do.

I only do because it has happened collectively over the past week. And I told you a little bit about it, but now I'm going to delve a bit deeper.

Now let me clarify. I will always be a writer. But I know I won't be happy just writing. Writing is my greatest release. But, if I'm doing nothing but writing, what will I write about?
And I know God is calling me to more.
Maybe it's His plan that I'll change lives by my writing. But I need to learn more. And so I learn. I go to school. I plan on being a youth minister.

Now a few months ago I decided I was going to follow in the footsteps of my grandfather and father both and become a pastor.
Me and a friend decided we'd start a New Age church based on Old School theory. [Any one is welcome. Wear your jeans. But, kid, you're learning about Jesus.]
We decided that she'd be the worship leader, and I'd take care of kids and youth. She'd be the main pastor for Sunday mornings, but I'd stand in every now and then. It was pretty evenly split and we both really liked it.

But I didn't feel as though I was led to do youth ministry. I figured I'd do missions work after a while. Traveling around, preaching to people of all ages, or all races, or all languages.

But now. Oh boy. Now. Well.

You guys all know that I work with a middle school youth group every Wednesday.
For a while, it was only ever on Wednesdays. I saw the kids, I talked with them, I prayed for them on that night and then I went home and on with my week.

But now.

A week and a half ago or so, a friend of mines younger sister, [who goes to my Wednesday night group.] was dumped. And she found God through this break up. She devoted her life to Christ while texting me.

And I was so proud of her. I was beyond proud of her.

And ever since that day, I've called her every night at ten o'clock while I'm walking my dog. [I have a really long road. It takes a half an hour.] And I talk with her about her day. About her soccer games. About her bible reading she does every night.

And I just talk with her.

And when she hangs up, I'm at the end of my dirt road where it runs into one of the busier streets in town. And I crouch down and watch my dog run around, snapping at fireflies.

And I look up at the sky.

And I ask God to watch her. To make sure she knows she is loved, to make sure that she knows she has the power of the King of Kings behind her. And that one day, she'll move mountains.

And that I'll be proud of her the entire time.

At 5 yesterday evening I had a meeting with our Children's minister. It was me, him and a friend. She's in ninth grade and has a younger sister who is a seventh grader that attends my Wednesday night group. After our meeting, me and my friend went upstairs and saw her sister and her two friends in a corner. One was on the phone, the other; crying. We immediately went over.

To make a very long story rather short, I spent fifteen minutes defending a girl I had never met before then to a girl over the phone.

And when they walked away, feeling better and with dried tears, I prayed for them. For all of them. That they'd know peace. That they'd be protected.

That they'd know God.

So this entire past two weeks or so has just been God playing with my tapestry, [so to speak] and showing me that, no. I may not be traveling the world the rest of my life, but if I do, it'll be leading a bunch of teenagers.

It won't be by myself. I'll be with a group of fifteen years olds.

Youth pastor to be? Maybe.

DAYS UNTIL I LEAVE FOR PERU: 32

Heartbreak Warfare

I passed a sign in my schools hallway that said, "Ever wonder what it feels like to ride in an ambulance?!" My first thought: Am I alive while riding in it? I'm so morbid.



I found that amusing, but now on to the more nostalgic thoughts.



I'm sixteen. I'm a junior in high school. [11th grade.]

I've been to ten schools. That means, I've never been at a school longer than two years. Ever.

Until this year. At the end of this school year, I'll have been here for three years. Right from the beginning. I can walk these halls, and say, "Hey. I remember something that happened here three years ago."


I remember things. And it's rather foreign to me. And it's even weirder to know that in another year and a half or so, I'll be able to come back here, walk up to my favourite teachers shake their hands and call them by their first names.



[I've never been like, "Ohhh. Teachers. They only teach and don't have any other interests." Probably because me and my sisters spend so much time after school, so I would literally hang out with teachers for hours on end. It happens.] So, I'm really going to miss these teachers. They've become near friends of mine.

DAYS UNTIL I LEAVE FOR PERU: 32

Day Late Friend

"Tell her she's a whore John Proctor!" Possibly one of my favourite lines in a play ever.

Trumped only by: "In truths that she learned, or in times that he cried. In bridges he burned, or in the way that she died." And possibly others that I can't remember right now.

In my English class we're watching The Great Gatsby. So combined this piece of Arthur Millers genius with that of F. Scott Fitzgerald to make, "Tell him she's a whore, Jay Gatsby!"

I have to write, preform, and edit a skit for my Psychology class. It's due on Tuesday.

I have work all week. This makes for writing and filming and editing a skit rather hard. But, it's based on Harry Potter, so that makes it a whole lot easier.

Okay, that's just a rant of what's going on in my mind. Now on to the deep stuff:

I've always been able to tell when people are being fake. Particularly people that would be deemed as professionals. Call it a gift, if you will. And, I'm pretty good at telling when my boss is stretching it a little.

"They don't pay me enough to babysit you guys."

"I love you guys. More than you'll ever know."

"Call me at any time, we'll chat. I'll take you to coffee. We'll have dinner. I'm here for you."

I've always thought, when he said those things, that he was being dramatic.

But, as a certain middle schooler who will remain nameless has gone through a tough break up, and I've always told the middle schoolers to shot me a text at any time and I'd help them out to the best of my ability, I'm starting to realize that I feel the way Matt talks.

I don't get paid anything, but I'm willing to be there.

I do love them. And I don't think they realize how much.

I've offered to take her out. Go for a smoothie. She calls me at ten o'clock to talk about her bible readings.

Maybe Matt isn't as dramatic as I make him out to be.

What does this mean? When I find myself constantly asking God, "God, just. Watch her. Please God. Just keep an eye on her. Give her the strength to make it through the day. Give her wisdom to make the right decisions. God, help her."

Now, I'm not saying that when I pray, I constantly ask God, "God, today help me. Make today a good day for me." But as a human being who knows she can be sufficiently selfish, I find myself in awe of the fact that something as simple as one of my youth getting dumped can help me realize how impacted I am by my job.

I told my best friends that I will never really be able to have a life of my own. I will live for my church, my youth, my God.

I know they can handle it. That's not my biggest concern; it's if I can.

DAYS UNTIL I LEAVE FOR PERU: 35

Waking The Demon

An ellipses. That"..." at the end of a sentence that makes you think, "What's wrong?" It may be just me, but an ellipses at the end of a sentence drives me insane.

Because I can't help but be selfish and think, "What did I do wrong?"

And my youth pastor, Matt, always puts an ellipses at the end of his sentences. He just e-mailed us all going to Peru our schedule for the next month. When we have fundraisers and when we have mandatory meetings. Well, he said we had one on Sunday, June 19th. I flipped out.

And here's why: I've honestly been waiting for this trip since we got home last July. I've been counting the days since we found out when we'd leave. For the past month, I've been able to say the precise amount of days until we leave for the airport.

That's how excited I've been. But, when I got that e-mail. I freaked out, and couldn't help but momentarily think I was leaving to go back to a place I love a day earlier.

But then I caught myself, and realized that Sunday is actually the 20th. So, I was a tad confused. Where we in fact leaving a day earlier, or had he just typed wrong?

So, I e-mailed him back. I told him that that particular Sunday was the 20th. So, he updated it and resent it out.
"Thanks to Kori Needham for picking up on it..."

"..."

Look again.

"..."

Was I not supposed to tell him that he'd made a gigantic typo? It makes me so severely self conscious, you have no idea.

But, besides the point.

DAYS UNTIL I LEAVE FOR PERU: 36

I Will Not Bow

Sometimes, I wonder if there will ever be a huge medical break through. Something that will allow my younger sister to be a typical, functioning member of society.

Sometimes, I wonder what life would be like if she had been born typical.

Would we fight over who'd get the last piece of cake?

Would she tear up with me when we saw our older brother graduate from Army boot camp?

Would we like the same type of music?

Would I love her as intensely as I do now?

Now, I'm saying that I only love Makenzi because she's different. That's not true. I love her. Regardless.

But, if she were typical, normal, average. Would I find it completely adorable that she's taller than me and three years younger?

Would I love that when I lean down to tuck her into her bed at night, she leans up and kisses my nose?

Would I even still be tucking her in?

I don't think so. I can say, just because she's apart of the family I know oh so well, that she'd love Harry Potter. She'd think Twilight is dumb, but she'd have read it at least.

She'd think about our older sister on those nights when we play Monopoly.

She'd probably have a crush on Mark Harmon like my sister and my mom do.

She'd give me crap for being head over heels for a girl I can't date.

She'd love Chinese the way we all do, and get random cravings for Chipotle.

But until modern Western medicine gives us some kind of super drug, I'll take what I have.

The sister that can't say my name half the time, but if I were sick, would find some way to make me feel better.

The sister I'm usually afraid to take into public, for fear of her braking down, but that I'm so proud of when she learns to say a new word.

The sister that I know will annoy the crap out of me for at least three more years, but I have a heart attack when I see she's holding a knife. [Even if it is a butter knife.]

The sister that I defended when I was eight years old by knocking a class mate out stone cold for calling her dumb in a Wal-mart aisle.

Yeah. I'd love her still. But, I like what I have now anyways.

Like Toy Soldiers

I feel the need to start this with a Myspace-esque survey of questions. But some are so trivial and have no matter in why I'm here.

"What color t-shirt are you wearing?"
Well, it's white. But, why do you care? [Besides, I have a hoodie I got from my brothers Army graduation over it. And that's grey.]

"Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?"
Sure. But, that's not happening.

"What websites do you visit the most?"
Well, like most teenagers, I am a member of multiple social networking sites. I check Facebook multiple times a day. I go on Yahoo frequently, both onthe computer and from my phone. I read multiple blogs, so I am on Blogger a lot. Then there' Twitter and Youtube. I'd rather not talk about how much time I spend on Youtube.

Did those questions inform you anything about my life? From my point of view all you can tell is that I have kissed someone before, that I like white t-shirts and sweatshirts, and I spend too much time on the computer.

Is that who I am?

No.

As a human being, I feel the need to defend myself and say that I am much more complex than that.

Let's see. More MySpace questions.

Name: Kori Needham.
Location: Currently, I'm at school. But to narrow that down, my school is in northern Virginia.
Siblings: Yes. Three, actually. Two older half siblings, and a younger sister. My brother is 21 and in the Army. My older sister is 19 and I have no clue what she's doing in life. We haven't spoken in seven and a half months. My younger sister is only thirteen, and she's autistic. [You'll hear much complaining about her if you stick around for a while.] Now, as the youngest of my older siblings is 19, and my younger sister is 13, you can surmise that I am between 18 and 14. I'll help you out a bit. I'm 16, soon to be 17.
Occupation: Student. Though, I "work" at my church. I do technical stuff for oour high school and middle school youth group. I also preach occasionally for the middle schoolers. I help lead small groups for the middle schoolers. And I work with our children's ministry, mainly being, well, a friend deemed me the "Cruise Director". I make sure people know where to go and when, and how to get there, and then I dance like an idiot for our form of "Worship".

In the end, though, I want to be a pastor.

What can you expect from this blog?

Well, me. [Every now and then, when she gets the fancy to, my bet friend Elizabeth will post on here. But, she's lazy. So, yeah.]

And the blog titles will be just like the name of this blog. Songs. Usually the song I am listening to. Or the ones that is stuck in my head. [The name of the actual blog came from the fact that me and Elizabeth decided to combine the songs that came up when she hit shuffle on her iPod and I blindly picked a song from my Youtube history. (I have no iPod.)]

There will be no set time when I'll update this. Just when I fancy to. I'll try and make sure it's once a week, minimum. But, that may be hard, as in thirty eight days, I leave for Peru.

My churh is going on a missions trip, and I will be going for the second year in a row. I'm pretty darned exciteed. I like and am friends with every one going to Cuzco with me. Actually, one of my closest friends, Travis, will be going with me.

Super excited.

Until later guys.

"So, whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God."

1st Corinthians 10:31