All You Wanted

Sometimes, I get nostalgic.

It could be the depression. It could be the movies I watch, the music I listen to, or just being alone.

It could be all four together.

When I think of certain things, I just get sad.

Like the idea of a mosque near Ground Zero. Excuse me, An Islamic Cultural Center.

Or, the song "Hallelujah" originally by Leonard Cohen. [Personally, I think kd. Lang was made to sing that song. Seriously. It's beautiful.]

Or, the fact that my little sister is now 14. [Her birthday was yesterday. Tell her you love her.]

Or the fact that I'll graduate this year, start college by next August, and may even have a real people job.

I get nostalgic at the idea of Xander's speech to Dawn in "Potential" [Episode twelve of season seven. Start at 7:35.]

See, I love Xander. He's not my favourite character. [It's Tara. And Willow. And Spike. And Anya. Four way tie.] But, I do love him. He's the heart of the Scoobies. He has no "special power." His best friends are the Slayer, and the most powerful witch in the world respectively. He baby sat the Key to destroy the world. He had to compete with two different vampires and a man who was one of the top ranked soldiers in his unit for Buffy's heart. Willow dated a werewolf for two and a half years. He even dated a very powerful vengeance demon.

He always fell into the shadows, yet he was always the heart of the team. He was always the first to go with Buffy. He held the team together.

Xander Harris, from those in the shadows, we salute you.

ARTIST: MICHELLE BRANCH

In Colour

Okay, I'm sorry. I've been really busy, with cleaning and sleeping and rewatching the first season of Buffy.

My great Aunt is coming into town tomorrow, so we're cleaning everything up, down and side ways. She comes in at like three.

So, no I will not Blog tonight. You can not make me.

Shut up. I know.

ARTIST: HEYHIHELLO!

Hero

I feel as though after all that posting about my sisters, I should write a thing about my brother.

He's in the ArmyI never lived with him. He always lived with my grand parents.

We're more alike than we ever want to admit.




He's gonna marry a great girl, that I like a lot.

And I'm more proud of him than I'll ever be.

The day he graduated, his platoon went through a procedure known as The Donning of The Berets. Basically they all put on their berets. I am not much of a crier, but as soon as my brother put his own, I started to tear up. I was the first to find him after they were dismissed, and I was the first to hug him. I cried on his shoulder, I was so proud of him. And, I'll never be able to tell him.

ARTIST: SKILLET

Love The Way You Lie

My younger sister has Autism. She'll never go to college. Be a doctor. Fly an airplane. Drive a car. Remember my birthday, or tell me what she wants for dinner. She can never live alone, is kept on a semi-strick diet and kept away from certain soaps, chemicals and environments. I could say my life has been ruined by her. I can't take the class I have to take to be eligible for a drivers' license. I've only had a handful of friends ever stay the night at my house because of her, and even then we had to sleep in Kaci's room. [Me and Mak shared a room from the time I was four until this past October.]
And for a long time I thought that once I got out of college and gotten a job and moved out, then Makenzi wouldn't be the reason for the decisions I make.

I was wrong.

Now, let me rewind a bit to the fact that me and my mother watch House absolutely every time it's on. In this particular one that we watched the other afternoon, Foreman named Cameron his medical proxy. Me, dad and mom started to talk about being a proxy and yada yada. I asked for clarification on what being a medical proxy is. My dad jokingly said, "What you'll be in a few years, if anything happens to your momma." So, I'd make the medical decisions for my father.
[My dad has intestinal problems. Yeah...]

They explained that they're mine and Maks medical proxy until I turn eighteen next year, and then they're just Makenzi's. And then when Mak turns eighteen, they have to make certain they take the legal measures that they are still able to take care of her medically even after she's a legal adult.
And this then spurned a full on conversation about what'll happen upon my parents demise.
They'd already decided that next August-September time, they'll do the paperwork that will make me Makenzis automatic medical proxy if anything happens to them.
At sixteen, I'm being handed the possible responsibility of a teenage girl.

"Kori, will you become your sisters legal guardian if anything happens to your father and me?"

What is a sixteen year old, still dependent on her parents supposed to say to that?! "No, I want my own life, not ruled by decisions with my little sister in mind?" If I told my mom that I don't know that I could take care of her and it would be best for her physical health for her to go into a home, she may never speak to me again.

But my sister can't tell you her middle name, how would she ever be able to say if anyone was taking advantage of her? I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I knew I was putting her into a situation where it would be very easy for something to happen to her.

This is my baby. My Wonder Kid. The constant pain in my rear.

But it grates on my nerves when I told my mom I'd like to find a church near the beach to pastor. I might get an apartment on the beach, and have a short commute to work in a few years, and her first reactions is, "Oh, your sister hates sand. That wouldn't work."

Thank you ma. Gosh, when they sign those papers next August, I'm legally tying myself to a kid in the future.

It was supposed to go, Drew, Kaci, and then me. But I've shared a room with her for twelve years. I still live with her. Drew is in the Army and has never lived with her for longer than a month, and has never been with her alone for more than a few hours. My parents don't trust Kacis judgment enough. She's a party girl, and likes her liquor.

I told my mom and dad, neither of them are allowed to die until I'm twenty-seven. Maybe then I'll actually be able to take care of her.

ARTIST: EMINEM FEATURING RHIANNA

Good Riddance

I miss my sister.
When I get sad, and only want to curl into my bed, hugging a picture of her and me and cry, I don't. When I miss how messy her room always was and the make-up and hair gook that flowed endlessly from it, and the loud angsty music that she listened to, I put on some jazz, think about how I want Chivas, and that day in Peru.

Whenever I get really sad, and start to miss her, I think about this one day when I was in Peru. It was right after she'd graduated, and was working as a lifeguard at an amusement park an hour south.
I'd called my mom to check in with her, and it turns out that she was with my sisters at the Target down the road from my house. I ended up talking to Kaci for a good few minutes. I made her a little bit jealous by counting the mountain peaks I could see from the storefront I was standing at. [There were about fifteen. Give or take.] I told her how I'd cuddled with my pixie-esque cheerleader friend.

And she told me a story. She'd been guarding at the lazy rive, and a woman got hurt. She was older, and had a spinal injury or something along the lines. My sister held herself responsible for the woman. She started to choke up on the phone. She told me how she missed me, and she needed me that night.
"I needed my best friend." Was what she said.

There are days, like the day I found out Macey was dating a guy, like the day Des died, like when Katie Jones began following me on Twitter, like when I got home from Peru and Fuge, that I needed to talk to her. I still get like it. When I wanna hug my big sister, and cry into her shoulder, and sob for hours, and not have to worry about looking like an idiot.

I love my mom, but she isn't always comforting. Like when I found out about Macey dating that one guy, I cried to my mom about it. Her words of comfort? "Oh, come on. You honestly didn't think this wouldn't happen, right?"
And my dad didn't say anything, which is how I prefer things. [There are few times when me and my dad have deep kinda conversations. Late at night or in the car alone. (AKA, sans my mother.)]
Kaci would've talked about the guys that had left her hanging. That ended up dating her best friends, or had lied about this and that.

I love my parents, but they aren't Kaci.

My sister will be twenty in November. I'll be seventeen on Wednesday. She left home the first night of my dream job and hasn't spoken to me since. She's been gone three hundred and nine teen days.

If she reads this, and I kinda want her to, I want her to know two things. 1.] I'm still mad at you, but, 2.] I still love you and want you home.

ARTIST: GREEN DAY

World Spins Madly On

Okay, Elizabeth. Shut up, I've been without a computer for many moons.
And, yes, those kids are much wiser than you.

Who has seen House? Raise of hands?
Okay. Well, I like this show because I can relate to House. His father is a Unitarian reverend. By vocation, my dad is a Baptist preacher. He's had surgery a bunch of times, and needs a cane.

I'll need a cane in the next few years. Elizabeth finds this amusing, and has decided to get me a cane for my birthday, which is next Wednesday, the 18th.

I can empathize with him. He's bitter, because he's disabled. There are days where I can barely walk, my knee hurts so bad. I've been to numerous doctors, and they tell me to take Tylenol when it hurts, and to sit when it hurts. There's nothing they can do.

I'm destined to limp worse than my 80 year old grandmother. And for it to get progressively worse and worse.

When I was in eighth grade, about 13 years old, I played Field Hockey. I tried out for Basketball, didn't make the team, so I trained and trained. I ran a lot, up and down hills, biked for hours. I trained more than I ever had before, so that I could run track and do field in the Spring. I did. But, sometime in between all that, I blew my knee. My left one, to be exact.

There are weeks when I can barely get out of bed, because my knee hurts so bad.

I'll have a cane by twenty, that I'll have to use every day.

Who knows, I may end up in a wheelchair by the time I'm my dads age.

ARTIST: THE WEEPIES

Before and After

So if you were to run into me on the street, and were to strike up a conversation about almost anything, within a short period I will probably bring up Peru.

For any non-Christians out there, and I know there are many of you, you may not understand the exact want behind missions.

Missions is meeting new people. Like a lovely gal from England who was also staying at Elim that somehow mistook me and Sadie to be room mates. This is funny because I'm still in high school, and Sadie rooms with Katie Jones.
Missions is spreading the gospel. The gospel, The Good News, the Love of Christ. That is missions.

Missions is about the people you are going to help. Whether it be to help build a house, to pray for people with aliments, to do anything you're asked to do. That is missions.

See, every year we go and stay at this place called Elim. Elim means, Oasis in Hebrew.
Elim is an orphanage. With the most beautiful children in the world. They love so much. They've been through hell and back, and they have an unshakable faith. It's the most amazing thing.

Last year when I went, I was newer in faith than I am now. I've matured a lot since then, but I went into the idea of Peru thinking that we'll be praying with people constantly. We'll be working constantly. We'll be doing good things at all times.

And this year, I knew how it would be a lot more. And it was really a lot of playing. A lot of cards, and waiting and being inactive and complaining.

I didn't like what I saw this year. And I know why I didn't like it. See, you could tell who was there for missions, and who was there for an awesome vacation.
I know when people as me about this year, there is a dramatic differences in what I'll tell them from last year. Last year, we were there more for people emotionally. This year, it was more physical.

Last year, on the first night, after we'd trudged up all five flights of stairs. After we'd had dinner, and were exhausted, but to excited to sleep, and were just hanging out in the common area, I walked into the room I shared with six other girls. I saw my friend Amanda at the open window.

Now, while Amanda is twenty-six, she looks 19. She acts her age, but looks a lot younger. And she's honestly one of my biggest mentors. I look up to her more than nearly anyone else. I can go to her for anything. She can laugh at my stupidity, we can talk hours of politics, drugs, religion, abortion and everything, and she'll never think less of me for my opinions. She loves her some Taco Bell and is always up for a midnight run with a bunch of teenagers when she's in town. I love her sincerely, and I don't think she knows how much.

I walked over, and saw how breath taking it truly was. It was dark, but there were lights every where. Lights sloping up the mountain, and people with dogs, kids playing in the street, and dogs barking and peeing in the streets. I fell in love with the city at that moment. And Amanda was leaning out the window looking at everything, and I heard before I saw that she had tears in her eyes. Amanda is funny, and joking, and you have to catch her in the right mood to be serious.
So, I asked her what was wrong.

"I have so much. My mom loves me, my friends, my church, my God. These people have nothing. And there faith is so much stronger. They love so much more." She said this, and started to cry. I smiled, my heart elated for some reason.
There were many of those types of instances when I just realized over and over again how much I loved and cared for everyone on my team.

This year, not so much. This year, I realized how much they annoyed me.

We went from nearly fourty going last year, to 17 this past year. Only eight youths. Three boys, five girls. And we were almost always split, four and three and one.

I was the one.
I tried to stand back and watch as much as I could, and just watch my fellows. I'll admit, that often I joined into the antics around me.

But what annoyed me was that the youth around me was selfish. When they could, they were where they were comfortable.

Now is the time when I'd like to insert the lyrics to the song "Hosanna" which is one of my favorites.

I see a generation
Rising up to take their place
With selfless faith
With selfless faith

I see a near revival
Stirring as we pray and seek
We're on our knees
We're on our knees

This is my prayer. Not to be a part of the cliche. Not to go on missions looking for fun. My prayer is that the generation coming up behind mine, that they would do a better job representing Christ in the purest of forms to the world than my generation has done.

ARTIST: NINA JANKOWICZ

One Evening

I've lived in three states in my life.

Virginia.
Texas.
Florida. I haven't been back to Florida since I left in the May of 2006. [Though, I would like to.]
And, while I currently reside in Virginia, I'm currently visiting Texas. And it makes me think.

Which means I'm making a list. Of the things I love about Texas.

1.] Whataburger
2.] Nannies house.
3.] Pawpaws house.
4.] Granny and grandpa.
5.] Sweet Tea.
6.] Beer.
7.] The fact that I do not actually sound funny compared to the people I'm talking to.

1.] Whataburger: The only real way that I can explain to anyone who has never had Whataburger is that it's like Texas sized Burger King. Only, the fries are better, and they always seems to put mustard on your burger, if you want it or not. [I hate mustard.]

2.] Nannies house: The only house I can remember my nanny and pop, [My moms mom and step-dad.] living in, is the one I'm at right now, drinking a coke, and watching CSI while they talk about the broken t.v. and my great aunt who's in the hospital. I've moved a lot in my life. Ten schools, in all. And, so not many houses are constants in my memory. This one and

3.] Pawpaws house: My pawpaw and gemaw, [My moms dad and step-mom] have lived in their house as long as I can remember. It's nice. Big open backyard, that I remember chasing my brother and sister and all the dogs around for hours until we nearly died of heat stroke and then begged my mom for a popsicle.

Sidenote: My moms car tire got messed up. My nanny texted me to ask if it had been fixed. I said, "No. We're still on the donut." She said back, "Glazed or chocolate." Oh, life.


4.] Granny and grandpa: My great grandmother is a hoot and a holler. She's funny and ditzy and old and cute. I love her to death, and the other day when I was at her house for lunch, I spent two hours teaching her how to do different things on her computer. It was funny, and I love her. Meanwhile, my grandpa was making fun of her, and making me giggle. I love them both a lot.


5.] Sweet tea: Many places up north do not make good sweet tea. There is not a single place down here that doesn't make good sweet tea.

6.] Beer: My pawpaw and all my great uncles don't hesitate to give me alcohol. While I've promised I wouldn't drink anymore, it's hard not to with my family. It flows, and with my family, you need it.

7.] The fact that I do not actually sound funny compared to the people I'm talking to: 'Nuff said.

And, fyi, Elizabeth. Posting a blank post means nothing towards the ultimate count. So, you only have 15.

Suck it.

ARTIST: FEIST

Goodnight Moon

So, I informed you all of my worry about a one Miss Katie outing me.

Well, she hasn't said or done anything that makes me think that I'm done for.

But, I am currently sitting on my brothers bed in Conroe, with his basset hound at my feet, barking because she wants to leave. She can't. My grandma is meeting with a man about some property my great grand father left to her and her siblings when he died last May.

So, I'm blogging. I was gonna do BEDA, but, then I was in a car, and driving, and without internets, and exhausted. So, I decided, maybe in April?
[BEDA= Blog Ever Day August.]

I'm going to have a much more sentimental post later on in the week.

But, at the moment, I need a freaking nap.

ARTIST: HEYHIHELLO!