I'll Be Your Dashing Knight

So, as it has been well over a week since I posted, I've begun to feel guilty.

But not really. Mainly, because every now and then I sprout into unobstructed depression. Full and complete self loathing.

Every time I see that Macey has a heart on the end of her status, I know it's not me that's putting it there. It's Seth. Not me.

But, I really can't harp on that, and I'm trying not to. I've been focusing on Peru. [Three days.] And annoying my mother with Wrock song lyrics, and Buffy fun facts.

Like, today she said something about something, and I went onto a twenty three minute tirade because of something that Warren, [aka Adam Busch] said.

And I've been texting Elizabeth all about Dawn and how annoying she can be. How she gets older physically, but the Scoobies all treat her like a lame face. [SPOILERS: Even though, I know, I know, she was technically only alive for like six months. So, at season 7, she may be three or something.]

I love going back and watching the old Buffy. You get nuggets like this: "You're a vampire. Oh, I'm sorry. Was that an offensive term? Should I say 'undead American'?"

Hahaha. I love it. Buffy is some kinda gal.

And ya'll get to feel the awesomeness that is my insomniatic ramblings.

Get used to them. They happen a lot. I'm off to Wiki Peruvian fun facts.

DAYS UNTIL PERU: 3
BAND: ALLCAPS

Change Your Mind

Hello blogosphere.

I do not feel like recapping my entire weekend.

So I'm not going to.

I just felt like I'd been neglecting you guys. So, hi.

I found out I have to take three of my exams, opposed to that one I thought it was. Slightly depressing, but not terrible.

And, I sorta made up with Macey. We're speaking. I haven't forgiven her, or anything like that.

But, we're talking. Which is all I wanted.

And, yeah. I'm still in love with her and she's still dating that one dude. Which blows. But, eh. I'm slowly getting used to it.

DAYS UNTIL I LEAVE FOR PERU: 12
MUSICIAN: BOYCE AVENUE

Say So

This blog will be coming to you in two parts.

I feel like there isn't enough going on in my life to talk about my day to day going abouts every day. So, a quick run down of my weekend, and then I'm going to inform you of some people I apperciate, and I can't really tell them.

My weekend. Today, I am not going to be with Zack, Deanna or Analisa. No Buffy, nor Batman. My mom wants me to help her with some over-do laundry. But, I still have the lock-in to go to at 10. But, I'm picking up Elizabeth and her younger brother at like nine-ish. And then we'll be going to the lock-in together. Because that's how we roll.

And then, after a night of zero sleep, I have to go home and baby sit for a few hours, until my first graduation party for my friend Kayla at 11. Me and a buddy, Travis, will be heading from there to another graduation party at around 2 or 3-ish. And then that party will last until 5 o'clock or so.

After that, I'm heading over to Elizabeths to stay the night. At which, me, her, her brother, and her father will watch Batman for multiple hours. [Which I'm excited for. They have a large television.] And we won't go to sleep, but instead, we will stay up all night, and then go to church.

And from church, at 9 in the morning, I won't leave until around nine that night. Because we have a team meeting for those of us going to Peru at 12:30, that ends at like 2:30. And then I have drama practice at 4 o'clock. That's until 6. And then 180, [My youth grou] starts at 7 and we won't leave until around 9 that night. I then have an SOL the next day. The end.

So, that's my weekend.

Now, the people I apperciate but can't tell.

• Elizabeth's family.
• Elizabeth.
• Jessica.
• Zack.
• Sean.
• Ashley.
• Country music.
• Bethany.
• And many, many more.

Now, Elizabeths family.

Why I appreciate them: Because, I can talk to her dad, Steve, about the most radical things in the world, and he always gives me a very level headed response. And, me and him gang up on Elizabeth and Miss Pam which makes me laugh a lot. So, he makes me laugh. Miss Pam, because, well, she's a ditz. She's sweet as anything and like a mother to me. But she has those moments where I just want to shake my head at her. But, I can also talk to her about most anything. And Josh. Her little brother, is like a little brother to me. He's such a sweetie.

The reason I can't tell them: While they all know I'm gay, they rather like to pretend I'm not. Well, Josh, not so much. But her parents. [I think it's because they think I half want to rape Elizabeth. (She's not my type.)]

Elizabeth: I tell her I love her all the time. I don't have to tell you people.

Jessica: Because, I can talk to her until 11 o'clock about all my love problems, even though she doesn't exactly get the whole, "gay" thing. But, she's open minded and accepting. And I love her.

Zack: Because this kid makes me smile more than anything.

Sean and Ashley: They kinda get grouped together a lot in my mind. Because, rarely am I with one and not the other. They are two seperate poeple, and minds and personalities. But, the three of us are like the Three Muskateers. We just mesh well together. And, Sean is great becuase he tweets me to tell me that he thinks that Maceys new boyfriend is void of emotion. And Ashley, because she tells me that it's weird to see Macey with him and not me. So, while they may be stroking my ego a bit, it's still nice to hear.

Country music: I've heard before, that if your life is like a country song, then it's either the best it'll ever be, or it's below rock bottom. And, let's go with, I've been listening to a lot of country songs lately.

Bethany: For texting me in class about the lock-in tonight that proceeded to me being the perfect husband, to her brother being a wimp and her pinching. I'm not gonna elaborate.

DAYS UNTIL I GO TO PERU: 16

SONG BY: UH HUH HER

Lumos Flies

So, after that last post, I walked out of class and saw that Macey was waiting for me at the end of the hall. I said nothing. I couldn't. I was stunned, and that little anger in the back of my head that I suppress when I'm not around her flared up.

I said nothing. I just walked to the stairs. So did she. We sorta walked together. But not really. Instead of walking beside her, like normal, I walked behind her. And, instead of hanging out with her and my friend Brittany before I go to Sociology, I walked around and told Brittany I'd see her tomorrow.

And today, I spoke not to her during Psychology. Probably the hardest things I've done in a long time.

I'm not kidding.

I know, I know. I'm only sixteen. That almost nothing about who I am will be the same in ten years, or even five.

But I honestly can't picture my life without this girl.

I have no idea how I"m still doing this.

I really, really just wanna go and get sopping drunk tonight.

How You Love Me Now

So, avoiding someone that you desperately want to talk to is really, really hard.

I wanna talk to Macey. [That one girl.]

So, last year while I was in Peru, I kept a journal where I wrote to Macey every day, [just about] and talked to her. Through paper. I kept it in a notebook that I gave her when I got back.

I planned on doing the same thing this year, in hte same notebook.

Well, now that we aren't talking I dunno if I'm still going to give her the book. I may just copy them all into here and let you guys read it.

But, I asked her last night to bring the notebook to school, and after an awkward ten text message long conversation, I got it back. And, then she like, tried to hug me, I think? Her and Sean tried to group hug me, but I sorta ducked under his arm and walked to my French class.

I feel like a total dick.

Should I avoid her? Should I let things go as normal?

Stop trying to get over her?

On a completely other note, I think my mom wishes I weren't who I am.

She seems to hate everything I do. The way I dress. My oversion to make up, high heels and dresses.

I think she even hates that I'm gay.

It makes me really sad. I don't try to piss her off. I just am me. I can't help that I am who I am.

I have my preferences just like her. She hates wearing blue jeans. I hate wearing dresses.

I dunno. I just really think she prefers my older and younger sisters. [Because according to my mom, I'm actually a boy.]

It just makes me really nervous. To know that I'm constantly disappointing her.

Every time I turn around, she's disgusted with every thing I do.

It's flat out annoying, too.

DAYS UNTIL I LEAVE FOR PERU: 19
SONG BY: HEY MONDAY

Hear Me Now

I would like to inform you lot of my week.

Saturday, I was with my good good friend Jessie all day for her graduation party. [And other friends that I love dearly, also.]

Sunday, I missed church, and had to clean all day. But, on the bright side, the carpet in my room is actually beige instead of blackened with doggy fur.

Monday, I went to the mall with my parents and ran into eleven different people that I know. [I also ditched my parents for about an hour to sit at Wendys and steal my friend Malories french fries. Good times.] And then that night, I found out that one girl I've been in love with for nearly two years is dating someone who is not me. I then stayed up on the phone with the aforementioned Jessie and Elizabeth crying until midnight.

Tuesday, today, I had my history SOL where me and my friend Sean raced each other without even realizing it to finish first. At which point he beat me by honest to God two seconds. I was mad. And then I had to go and sit next to "that one girl" for an hour and a half. And then later on got to see her walk past me like I don't exist whilst cuddled up with her new boy toy. That was fun.

Wednesday, tomorrow, I have work. Which will be awesome, as always. Oh, and a party in my Biology class, where my mom is bringing in Chick fil a. [Siked up.]

Thursday, if Elizabeth gets her license, she will be kidnapping me and we'll go somewhere?

Friday, I may be going to my friend Deannas house with my friends Zack and Analisa. [Deanna is a red head. I need to tell you this.] Just so we can watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer and possibly Batman movies. And then I have a lock in at 10 o'clock that night.

Saturday, I may be spending the night with Elizabeth. Which will be excellent. But, only after I have three grad parties to go to.

That's my week. Yay?