You know something is wrong with your life when you get annoyed when people don't understand that you really, really, really need those cardboard boxes on your bed strewn with sharpies for your novel.
And by that I mean I'm doing NaNoWriMo.
NaNoWriMo is National Novel Writing Month. Basically, people who enjoy writing try to write 1,667 words a day for 30 days. 50,000 words starting at 12:00 am on All Saints Day until November 30th.
This is my first year actually really attempting to do it.
So, a list of things that will happen.
1. I will be cleaner/my dishes will be done more.
Reason: If I shower for a long long time, or take a bath at night, then I think more.
No matter how long or when I do the dishes, I can write more.
2. Musical basis will expand.
Reason: When I'm formulating ideas, I play music. Hard rock. Andean beats. Jazz. Blues. Folk. Country. Christian. Rap. Anything.
3. My friends will hate me.
Reason: I will annoy them into telling me any and all music they enjoy because I always need new music while I'm writing. I will neglect them because as often as possible I will be at the library or Caribou Coffee. [It's my favorite coffee shop to write at. Just is.]
4. My dog will hate me.
Reason: I will not let her sleep in my room because I will have cardboard, markers, and papers strewn across my room until November 30th.
5. My dog will love me.
Reason: I'll be taking her out for long long walks, much ball and critter playing, and generally be more loving. Except at night.
6. YouTube.
Reason: Late at night, when I have that horrid thing that won't be mentioned but I will deem The Clot.
So, I will watch old YouTube videos. Over. And over. And over. And over...
7. Buffy.
Reason: The writing on this show was so spectacular, I will watch all the old episodes again. And take note and marvel in the spectacular beauty that is Joss Whedon, Marti Noxon and Jane Espenson.
And that is NaNo. I will now leave you with this to explain: NANOWRIMO!
ARTIST: ALL CAPS
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Comes Love
“If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader.” John Quincy Adams.
Inspiration is anywhere and everywhere. Inspiration can come from the great victories of life, or the great tragedies. Being strong is finding something worthwhile and making pain into something beautiful. And that is exactly what a group of friends from
Courtland high School did when they lost friends to suicide three years ago. And as the phoenix from the ashes, The Spotsylvania Out Of The Darkness community walk rose up and became a walk of hope, closure, and for some rejoicing. Rejoice for the lives they lived. Closure for those that still struggle with these issues. And hope for life to continue.
This group of friends are a living testament to faith, support and being a light to bring those in the darkness out, and into the light. We salute you.
ARTIST: BILLIE HOLIDAY
Inspiration is anywhere and everywhere. Inspiration can come from the great victories of life, or the great tragedies. Being strong is finding something worthwhile and making pain into something beautiful. And that is exactly what a group of friends from
Courtland high School did when they lost friends to suicide three years ago. And as the phoenix from the ashes, The Spotsylvania Out Of The Darkness community walk rose up and became a walk of hope, closure, and for some rejoicing. Rejoice for the lives they lived. Closure for those that still struggle with these issues. And hope for life to continue.
This group of friends are a living testament to faith, support and being a light to bring those in the darkness out, and into the light. We salute you.
ARTIST: BILLIE HOLIDAY
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
On Your Side
I think that, since I know there are at least two people reading this, I need to start explaining things in greater detail. [And by reading, I mean stalking. And by stalking, I mean it's fine.]
Catalyst was, as Matt put it, "like drinking from a fire hydrant." So much was thrown at us from 8:30 a.m. [When it officially started,] until after 8 that night. [When it ended for the night.] And honestly, after a bad calzone and three different speakers talking of secrets and hiding them and on and such, I was drained. I wanted to go back to my hotel room that I shared with three roomies, and write. Just write. I needed to get my thoughts in place, and organized and just needed to think.
Well, then the aforementioned Matt pulled me aside on my way back to the hotel and told me the one thing that could chill me to the core within an instant of him saying it.
"I know about your blog."
I paused. Doing everything I could to not break down right then and there. To stop and pause and sob out my apologizes, to yell and rave and be the sarcastic butt munch that my mother and father know I am.
I couldn't. I was numb. Then he told me that Amanda knew. And we were to talk later that night. I didn't recognize a single thing as I waited for the elevator. I barely remember finding my wallet in my pocket, and getting my hotel key out. I remember making mine and Beth's bed and turning out the light. I remember laying down, not being able to pull together all the thoughts going through my head. I didn't fear their rejection. I'd dealt with that for a while, and while I know it would hurt, I'd be able to handle it.
But I knew I wouldn't be able to handle their hurt. To have them think I'd been maliciously, and that I'd lied to them out of any reason other than my own cowardice.
I went downstairs to talk to Drew, just because even if he doesn't know what's wrong, he inevitably makes me feel better. [This is nothing new. He's honestly been doing that for the past three years. I love him.] Me, him and LA talked about missions and maturity needed to do them and all sorts of things. Matt had since come down and Amanda had gone to our hotel room. He stayed and talked for a little bit, then looked at me and said, "I'm going to change, wanna help me out in about ten minutes?" Which, admittedly, made me and Drew crack up after he got in the elevator just because it sounded so weird.
I went to my room, and talked to Amanda. She did nothing but hug me at first, and then I said, "So, Matt told you."
Her response? "I've known for a while. I didn't know for sure, but he just cemented it." Which, funnily enough is the exact same thing that Katie Jones said.
Oh, life. But then I found out Noelle knew, and then Sadie and I just went from calm and composed to sobbing mess.
And, so that is my story. That is why Catalyst was not the best experience for me. I'm banned from Middle School youth until further notice, and I both understand and respect that decision. But if that's where the internship, [that I guess I'm still apart of even though I was told I needed to find out for sure about] is focused this semester. And, I've been doing MS for two years. I honestly love these kids.
Not in a creepy pedophile way. Because I'm not. But in a way that I love their hearts. So many of these kids are pure of heart, and will make better people than I can ever hope to be.
I guess that's all I can hope for.
1 Peter 1:7That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ:
ARTIST: A ROCKET TO THE MOON
Catalyst was, as Matt put it, "like drinking from a fire hydrant." So much was thrown at us from 8:30 a.m. [When it officially started,] until after 8 that night. [When it ended for the night.] And honestly, after a bad calzone and three different speakers talking of secrets and hiding them and on and such, I was drained. I wanted to go back to my hotel room that I shared with three roomies, and write. Just write. I needed to get my thoughts in place, and organized and just needed to think.
Well, then the aforementioned Matt pulled me aside on my way back to the hotel and told me the one thing that could chill me to the core within an instant of him saying it.
"I know about your blog."
I paused. Doing everything I could to not break down right then and there. To stop and pause and sob out my apologizes, to yell and rave and be the sarcastic butt munch that my mother and father know I am.
I couldn't. I was numb. Then he told me that Amanda knew. And we were to talk later that night. I didn't recognize a single thing as I waited for the elevator. I barely remember finding my wallet in my pocket, and getting my hotel key out. I remember making mine and Beth's bed and turning out the light. I remember laying down, not being able to pull together all the thoughts going through my head. I didn't fear their rejection. I'd dealt with that for a while, and while I know it would hurt, I'd be able to handle it.
But I knew I wouldn't be able to handle their hurt. To have them think I'd been maliciously, and that I'd lied to them out of any reason other than my own cowardice.
I went downstairs to talk to Drew, just because even if he doesn't know what's wrong, he inevitably makes me feel better. [This is nothing new. He's honestly been doing that for the past three years. I love him.] Me, him and LA talked about missions and maturity needed to do them and all sorts of things. Matt had since come down and Amanda had gone to our hotel room. He stayed and talked for a little bit, then looked at me and said, "I'm going to change, wanna help me out in about ten minutes?" Which, admittedly, made me and Drew crack up after he got in the elevator just because it sounded so weird.
I went to my room, and talked to Amanda. She did nothing but hug me at first, and then I said, "So, Matt told you."
Her response? "I've known for a while. I didn't know for sure, but he just cemented it." Which, funnily enough is the exact same thing that Katie Jones said.
Oh, life. But then I found out Noelle knew, and then Sadie and I just went from calm and composed to sobbing mess.
And, so that is my story. That is why Catalyst was not the best experience for me. I'm banned from Middle School youth until further notice, and I both understand and respect that decision. But if that's where the internship, [that I guess I'm still apart of even though I was told I needed to find out for sure about] is focused this semester. And, I've been doing MS for two years. I honestly love these kids.
Not in a creepy pedophile way. Because I'm not. But in a way that I love their hearts. So many of these kids are pure of heart, and will make better people than I can ever hope to be.
I guess that's all I can hope for.
1 Peter 1:7That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ:
ARTIST: A ROCKET TO THE MOON
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Cherry Bomb
Finding out that everyone you care about and respect and look up to and all that jazz know that you're gay sucks. What sucks even more is finding out that they've all known for a little while. Even worse is that they've known because of the blog you haven't kept secret, nor have you censored.
Matt, Sadie, Amanda, and Noelle all know.
And I have no idea what the outcome of this will be. All I know is that Sadie is upset with me, and I couldn't look Noelle in the eye. It was bad enough when Katie found out the bad way, but now everyone else knows too?
Yeah, I cried a little.
I don't know how this will effect my future. My parents have been a tad bit less than helpful. They suspect that it's my fault that my mom got fired, and that I won't be allowed back at 180 period. Amongst other things, Catalyst hasn't been the best.
Matt, Sadie, Amanda, and Noelle all know.
And I have no idea what the outcome of this will be. All I know is that Sadie is upset with me, and I couldn't look Noelle in the eye. It was bad enough when Katie found out the bad way, but now everyone else knows too?
Yeah, I cried a little.
I don't know how this will effect my future. My parents have been a tad bit less than helpful. They suspect that it's my fault that my mom got fired, and that I won't be allowed back at 180 period. Amongst other things, Catalyst hasn't been the best.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Tears In Heaven
Tyler Clementi and the other teens in the U.S. and Canada that have killed themselves in the last few days and weeks have caused grief, questions, and in my own life, debate. See, in my global issues class, we have a debate every other Friday. And I was told by my teacher that she was going to add on an additional debate this past Monday. Which was awesome and involved the seperation of church and state Prop. 8, gay marriage DADT, and many other religion versus gayness like topics.
While I was sitting in the library preparing for that debate, [which would happen the last class of the day. I was in the library the class before that.] I got a text from the lovely Katie Jones asking for coffee/smoothies this week. [We get smoothies together frequently.] Immediately, I texted my mom and she agreed to let that happen.
But in my conversation with Katie, I sensed something was wrong. Now, I'mma take a pause and get you lot thinking if you remembered that whole thing where Katie found my twitter, [and this blog.] back in August and I freaked out because she is Sadie's roomie. So, you know, direct association with my boss. And my gayness.
We met, and almost immediately my suspicions were realized to be true. She knew. [Knows?] And has for a while. So, we talked and she agreed that she would not be the one to out me. If it happened, it happened, but neither one of us would work towards it to happen any time soon. But, it made me come back to the ever-present question. Am I deceiving everyone I go to church with? Am I wrong to be a leader and a bible teacher when I'm "as much of a sinner" as I am? Well, we talked about that for a bit, then discussed life, and such as we always do.
Then me and my mother went shopping and it was annoying and she was all like, "I don't care if your gay. You're still a girl. Act like it." And believe me, I understand that I am a girl. But, that made me think too.
And then tonight. I was watching Glee. And the whole time Kurt struggled with the fact that he's gay and he doesn't believe in God. "Church seems to hate gay people. And women." Which, well, that's a double header for me.
And it made me think about my last three relationships. [Which is funny because the most recent of those freaking talked to me for the first time in a couple of months.] And while I thought about them I realized I had dated an atheist, a dysfunctional Jew, and an agnostic. [Those are only the girls. The guys are more ranged. 'Cause there are more of them.]
And, then there's me. The would be youth pastor who is too terrified to come out, for fear of losing my position or any of my potential jobs in the future.
Oh life as a gay.
So what's a Good Christian Girl to do in a Big Gay World?
ARTIST: ERIC CLAPTON
While I was sitting in the library preparing for that debate, [which would happen the last class of the day. I was in the library the class before that.] I got a text from the lovely Katie Jones asking for coffee/smoothies this week. [We get smoothies together frequently.] Immediately, I texted my mom and she agreed to let that happen.
But in my conversation with Katie, I sensed something was wrong. Now, I'mma take a pause and get you lot thinking if you remembered that whole thing where Katie found my twitter, [and this blog.] back in August and I freaked out because she is Sadie's roomie. So, you know, direct association with my boss. And my gayness.
We met, and almost immediately my suspicions were realized to be true. She knew. [Knows?] And has for a while. So, we talked and she agreed that she would not be the one to out me. If it happened, it happened, but neither one of us would work towards it to happen any time soon. But, it made me come back to the ever-present question. Am I deceiving everyone I go to church with? Am I wrong to be a leader and a bible teacher when I'm "as much of a sinner" as I am? Well, we talked about that for a bit, then discussed life, and such as we always do.
Then me and my mother went shopping and it was annoying and she was all like, "I don't care if your gay. You're still a girl. Act like it." And believe me, I understand that I am a girl. But, that made me think too.
And then tonight. I was watching Glee. And the whole time Kurt struggled with the fact that he's gay and he doesn't believe in God. "Church seems to hate gay people. And women." Which, well, that's a double header for me.
And it made me think about my last three relationships. [Which is funny because the most recent of those freaking talked to me for the first time in a couple of months.] And while I thought about them I realized I had dated an atheist, a dysfunctional Jew, and an agnostic. [Those are only the girls. The guys are more ranged. 'Cause there are more of them.]
And, then there's me. The would be youth pastor who is too terrified to come out, for fear of losing my position or any of my potential jobs in the future.
Oh life as a gay.
So what's a Good Christian Girl to do in a Big Gay World?
ARTIST: ERIC CLAPTON
Monday, October 4, 2010
It Gets Better
It Gets Better.
It always does. There is an online project, by a guy named Dan Savage and his husband, to encourage young members of the LGBT community that, yeah, it does get better.
And it really does. I know I'm still a young blood, and I know I have a lot to learn about the world. But I do in fact know that it does, in fact, get better.
I've thought about it a lot. What it would be like to borrow a gun, take a few too many pills, or go bungee jumping of a 50 foot bridge with a hundred feet of rope.
But, I've also learned that the more GSA's in schools there are, the more gay youth can find a sense of community outside of computers. I mean, places like YouTube and AfterEllen are great, but sometimes it's good to have someone close by to go grab a vegan friendly burger with.
So, in my mind, It Gets Better is another activism idea. And a good one. Too many people today rely on the internet for community now. And now there are hundreds of people making these videos. From big celebs like Audrey O'Day and Ciara to just normal people with cameras.
This project is doing all kinds of things. And in life of the five high profile suicides from gay teens in the recent weeks, this is exactly what a generation that lives online needs.
It always does. There is an online project, by a guy named Dan Savage and his husband, to encourage young members of the LGBT community that, yeah, it does get better.
And it really does. I know I'm still a young blood, and I know I have a lot to learn about the world. But I do in fact know that it does, in fact, get better.
I've thought about it a lot. What it would be like to borrow a gun, take a few too many pills, or go bungee jumping of a 50 foot bridge with a hundred feet of rope.
But, I've also learned that the more GSA's in schools there are, the more gay youth can find a sense of community outside of computers. I mean, places like YouTube and AfterEllen are great, but sometimes it's good to have someone close by to go grab a vegan friendly burger with.
So, in my mind, It Gets Better is another activism idea. And a good one. Too many people today rely on the internet for community now. And now there are hundreds of people making these videos. From big celebs like Audrey O'Day and Ciara to just normal people with cameras.
This project is doing all kinds of things. And in life of the five high profile suicides from gay teens in the recent weeks, this is exactly what a generation that lives online needs.
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