Tyler Clementi and the other teens in the U.S. and Canada that have killed themselves in the last few days and weeks have caused grief, questions, and in my own life, debate. See, in my global issues class, we have a debate every other Friday. And I was told by my teacher that she was going to add on an additional debate this past Monday. Which was awesome and involved the seperation of church and state Prop. 8, gay marriage DADT, and many other religion versus gayness like topics.
While I was sitting in the library preparing for that debate, [which would happen the last class of the day. I was in the library the class before that.] I got a text from the lovely Katie Jones asking for coffee/smoothies this week. [We get smoothies together frequently.] Immediately, I texted my mom and she agreed to let that happen.
But in my conversation with Katie, I sensed something was wrong. Now, I'mma take a pause and get you lot thinking if you remembered that whole thing where Katie found my twitter, [and this blog.] back in August and I freaked out because she is Sadie's roomie. So, you know, direct association with my boss. And my gayness.
We met, and almost immediately my suspicions were realized to be true. She knew. [Knows?] And has for a while. So, we talked and she agreed that she would not be the one to out me. If it happened, it happened, but neither one of us would work towards it to happen any time soon. But, it made me come back to the ever-present question. Am I deceiving everyone I go to church with? Am I wrong to be a leader and a bible teacher when I'm "as much of a sinner" as I am? Well, we talked about that for a bit, then discussed life, and such as we always do.
Then me and my mother went shopping and it was annoying and she was all like, "I don't care if your gay. You're still a girl. Act like it." And believe me, I understand that I am a girl. But, that made me think too.
And then tonight. I was watching Glee. And the whole time Kurt struggled with the fact that he's gay and he doesn't believe in God. "Church seems to hate gay people. And women." Which, well, that's a double header for me.
And it made me think about my last three relationships. [Which is funny because the most recent of those freaking talked to me for the first time in a couple of months.] And while I thought about them I realized I had dated an atheist, a dysfunctional Jew, and an agnostic. [Those are only the girls. The guys are more ranged. 'Cause there are more of them.]
And, then there's me. The would be youth pastor who is too terrified to come out, for fear of losing my position or any of my potential jobs in the future.
Oh life as a gay.
So what's a Good Christian Girl to do in a Big Gay World?
ARTIST: ERIC CLAPTON
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I'm not really sure whether leaving a comment is pushing it on the reading your blog front, but here I am stepping on your lawn regardless.
ReplyDeleteI only want to address the way you phrased one question: "Am I wrong to be a leader and a bible teacher when I'm 'as much of a sinner' as I am?"
I do want to reiterate the point that homosexuality is no more severe a sin than any other. I know some Christians want to believe that aborting babies and homosexual relationships are ultimate evils, but I contest wholeheartedly that we should be allowed to categorize like that. It's not biblical to categorize in such a way. I get that you wrote the phrase in quotations perhaps for lack of a better way to explain what you mean, but I want to make sure you understand that it will never be fair for anyone to say you are ranked as the lowest of sinners. The rest of us are right down here alongside you, trying to grasp the sufficiency of Grace.