On Your Side

I think that, since I know there are at least two people reading this, I need to start explaining things in greater detail. [And by reading, I mean stalking. And by stalking, I mean it's fine.]

Catalyst was, as Matt put it, "like drinking from a fire hydrant." So much was thrown at us from 8:30 a.m. [When it officially started,] until after 8 that night. [When it ended for the night.] And honestly, after a bad calzone and three different speakers talking of secrets and hiding them and on and such, I was drained. I wanted to go back to my hotel room that I shared with three roomies, and write. Just write. I needed to get my thoughts in place, and organized and just needed to think.

Well, then the aforementioned Matt pulled me aside on my way back to the hotel and told me the one thing that could chill me to the core within an instant of him saying it.

"I know about your blog."

I paused. Doing everything I could to not break down right then and there. To stop and pause and sob out my apologizes, to yell and rave and be the sarcastic butt munch that my mother and father know I am.

I couldn't. I was numb. Then he told me that Amanda knew. And we were to talk later that night. I didn't recognize a single thing as I waited for the elevator. I barely remember finding my wallet in my pocket, and getting my hotel key out. I remember making mine and Beth's bed and turning out the light. I remember laying down, not being able to pull together all the thoughts going through my head. I didn't fear their rejection. I'd dealt with that for a while, and while I know it would hurt, I'd be able to handle it.

But I knew I wouldn't be able to handle their hurt. To have them think I'd been maliciously, and that I'd lied to them out of any reason other than my own cowardice.

I went downstairs to talk to Drew, just because even if he doesn't know what's wrong, he inevitably makes me feel better. [This is nothing new. He's honestly been doing that for the past three years. I love him.] Me, him and LA talked about missions and maturity needed to do them and all sorts of things. Matt had since come down and Amanda had gone to our hotel room. He stayed and talked for a little bit, then looked at me and said, "I'm going to change, wanna help me out in about ten minutes?" Which, admittedly, made me and Drew crack up after he got in the elevator just because it sounded so weird.

I went to my room, and talked to Amanda. She did nothing but hug me at first, and then I said, "So, Matt told you."

Her response? "I've known for a while. I didn't know for sure, but he just cemented it." Which, funnily enough is the exact same thing that Katie Jones said.

Oh, life. But then I found out Noelle knew, and then Sadie and I just went from calm and composed to sobbing mess.

And, so that is my story. That is why Catalyst was not the best experience for me. I'm banned from Middle School youth until further notice, and I both understand and respect that decision. But if that's where the internship, [that I guess I'm still apart of even though I was told I needed to find out for sure about] is focused this semester. And, I've been doing MS for two years. I honestly love these kids.

Not in a creepy pedophile way. Because I'm not. But in a way that I love their hearts. So many of these kids are pure of heart, and will make better people than I can ever hope to be.

I guess that's all I can hope for.

1 Peter 1:7That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ:

ARTIST: A ROCKET TO THE MOON